Report: More Than 70 Million Americans Voted to Steal the Election from Donald Trump

In a new development, analysis of the exit polling data from yesterday’s historic contest between former Vice President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump has shown some rather surprising insights. Namely, it’s now estimated that more than 70 million Americans voted to steal the election from Trump, and he is clearly very upset about that fact.

“How dare those people try to steal this election by having their votes counted,” Trump bellowed from the White House balcony as he tried to spit on the reporters below with his sons Eric and Donald Jr this afternoon. “What the fuck gives them the right to presume their ballot will be counted. That’s very entitled behavior, if you ask me. Maybe, MAYBE if they had voted for me I’d say we should count them, but they illegally tried to coup me at the ballot box with more votes, and so I am going to stamp my feet and cross my arms, and even hold my breath, until everyone says I’m the big winner!”

MORE: Trump Says a Vote for a Democrat Should Only Count as Three-Fifths of a Republican Vote

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Trump’s Taint) told reporters that he is “shocked, outrated, and bed wettingly angry” about the numbers.

“How dare those ballot box terrorists defy lawful orders to reelect President Trump? Clearly every vote that’s cast against him and counted is an attempt to steal the election from Trump,” Cruz told Fox News this morning. “There is absolutely no right to having your vote counted; only your right to cast it. And as I smugly look into the camera lens and stroke my beard, understand I’m also sprouting a very turgid penile structure in my trousers, because the sound of my own voice turns me on so so much.”

Trump himself stormed out onto the White House lawn as soon as he heard the news. Angrily stuffing Snickers bars dipped in nacho cheese into his face — a snack whose recipe was shown to him by former Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders — while he shouted at reporters, Trump demanded that Attorney General William Barr “immediately arrest and detain” anyone counting votes, and to “swiftly and powerfully look into” whether he can have Americans who tried to steal the election from him arrested.

“Call me crazy, but that’s election interference, right there,” Trump said. “Seventy million people voted to steal the election from me! That’s treason! That’s a coup! It’s a treasonous coup! And to think now they have the balls to demand their traitor votes get counted? Get bent, Americans who didn’t vote for me. GET BENT.”

RELATED: Putin Wonders If He’ll Be Batting a Thousand or .500 After Votes Counted

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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