WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans are voting today for who they think should be the President of the United States beginning next January. However, we already know that millions and millions of ballots have already been cast via mail. In fact, 2020 is shaping up to be banner, record-breaking year for voter turnout. That so many have already cast their ballots clearly has rattled President Trump, who could be the first one term president since George H.W. Bush lost to Bill Clinton in 1992.
“Hey! Hey! I have an idea! Ivanka! IVANKA GET YOUR SWEET LITTLE PERFECT ONION OF AN ASS IN HERE, MY BABE,” Trump was heard shouting to his First Lady this morning. “GET BILLY BARR ON THE PHONE, I GOTTA GODDAMN HOT-AS-FUCK BURNING QUESTION I NEED ANSWERED AND RIGHT-THE-FUCK NOW!”
Within minutes, Ivanka had gotten Attorney General Barr on the line.
“Billy! Quick, quick, tell me, you gotta tell me if this is legal and possible, wink wink,” Trump was heard shouting at Barr. “You heard the wink wink, I hope? Good. So, I need you tell me if it’s cool if I order all the states to change how they count Democrat votes.”
Barr said something on the other end of the call that wasn’t heard.
“Right, exactly. I’m thinking we sneak-attack their bitch asses,” Trump said. “So, let’s say we sign an emergency declaration that Democrat votes are only worth three-fifths of Republican votes? See what I mean? The math would finally be in OUR favor, Billy? GENIUS IDEA I HAD, RIGHT?!”
Reportedly, Barr told Trump it’s “a little late in the game” for such tricks, but that he “greatly admires” the president’s “fighting spirit.” Barr assured Trump that he’d do everything in his power to put pressure on states to only count Democratic votes as three-fifths of a Republican vote. However, he also suggested that Trump consider another, similar tactic.
“You know, Bill, that’s not a bad idea, for not being my own idea, which we both know is the only way for an idea to be really, definitely a good one,” Trump told his attorney general. “Yes, so if they don’t count a Democrat vote as three-fifths a Republican one, then I’ll settle for them only counting three fifths of the total Democrat ballots cast. Good thinking, Billy!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.