MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Sitting beside a roaring fire, Russian President Vladimir Putin held court with the media of his country this evening and gave his thoughts and feelings about the rapidly approaching U.S. presidential election.
“You know, it always gives you a little nerves when you see one of your fledgling fascists you’ve mentored go and seek reelection for the first time, all by themselves,” Putin told reporters, “and that’s how I feel right now. You can train them to be relentlessly bullying of the press. You can show them how to sew doubt in the electoral system. But until they go out and try to steal an election for themselves, you just never know how it’s all going to shake out.”
Putin announced that he’s “feeling a bit iffy” about the outcome of the election. He’s not sure if he thinks President Trump, his handpicked choice last time around “will be able to get the job done.”
“Of course, in this particular case, I have quite a lot to be worried about. Donald is, shall we say,” Putin found himself looking for the right English word, “extremely incompetent, I believe the word is. He’s a fucking idiot, I think is the term Americans use, but forgive me, my English isn’t always so good that I remember every little slang term.”
President Putin told the Russian media he wanted to “use an American analogies so Americans can understand” his thought process and feelings at this time.
“I just am worried about my batting average is all,” Putin expressed his concern, “because because before this election cycle, I was batting a thousand, as they say. Now, I wonder if I’ll be hitting .500 after they stop counting votes. That’s why I sent Donny that message via the Kushner Back Channel about stopping that shit as soon as he can.”
Should Putin’s batting average drop as a result of the election this year, he says he’ll “be back at the plate in four more years” and will “sponsor a different candidate.”
“I hear my good friend Steven Seagal is interested in running,” Putin announced. “So perhaps I’ll see if he can get me back in the White House. At this point, we’re in a wait and see position.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.