FORT ACAB, TENNESSEE — A man convicted of first degree murder was unexpectedly released from custody today. While this development in and of itself might be newsworthy, what makes it extraordinary is that he was supposed to be sentenced for his crimes, and instead he was released by the judge.
“I hereby order you to serve the rest of your…oh, wait a minute, what’s this,” Judge Henry Crackenbush asked the convicted killer, Matt Ricciardella literally as he was handing down the sentence, “Are you wearing a blue shirt? Is that a badge? Come here, young man.”
Ricciardella, who was convicted of murdering of someone he was in an altercation with, someone who was unarmed and fleeing from Ricciardella at the time he was shot, had come to court dressed in a smart blue shirt, blue pants, and highly polished boots. He’d also pinned a shiny silver and gold badge on his chest. Judge Crackenbush told the court that Mr. Ricciardella’s choice of outfits “clearly shows he has a lawful right to murder with impunity.”
“Further to the point, the victim in this case was black,” Crackenbush explained. “So if there is anyone in this courtroom today who can argue that this man had a right to kill an unarmed black man in the streets, I would direct your attention to his shirt and badge, and then ask you to reconsider your arguments.”
Ricciardella seemed delighted with the outcome of his case as he exited the court building, shortly after the judge had set him free. With a smile from ear to ear, Ricciardella explained why he had decided to show up to court that day dressed in a blue uniform and badge.
“Apparently to a lot of people in this country, blue lives matter more than literally any other life,” Ricciardella said. “Because I don’t know of any other labor force where you get away with literal murder simply because of the color of your shirt and the shininess of the badge you pinned on it. I thought to myself last night, well, I don’t have nothin’ much else to lose, and decided to give this a shot.”
Last night, Mr. Ricciardella called his attorney and asked her to bring the uniform and badge with her to court. This morning, she arrived at the courthouse with a plastic bag from a Halloween costume shop. When he appeared in the courtroom minutes later, Ricciardella was wearing the shirt, pants, and badge. He told reporters later that he was nervous his scheme might not work.
“I thought that to be really convincing I’d also need to carry a gun and whip it out at the smallest provocation, or pretty much whenever the hell I felt like it,” Ricciardella said. “However, my attorney reminded me that I can’t carry a gun into the courtroom, and said a toy gun was too risky. Luckily, as it turned out the, badge and blue shirt are all you need to be allowed to kill whoever you want, whenever you want.”
So what’s he going to do next? Ricciardella says he has no firm plans, but he knows one thing is certain. He won’t be getting rid of his blue shirt and badge any time soon.
“These things are like get out of jail free cards! No way I’m getting rid of them,” Ricciardella said. “Not ever.”
Reportedly, Mr. Ricciardella is now being considered for a Presidential Medal of Freedom, and has already received dozens of offers of employment from police departments all over the country.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.