DICKHEAD, NEW JERSEY — Matty Palahmbo is a men’s rights activist. In his mind, that puts him on the “frontline in the war on men,” which he says “hardo feminists and male feminists” are trying to force on the rest of society. He points to things like the #MeToo movement and the rising — if still not proportionate — representation of females in Congress. Today, on the 100th Anniversary of the ratification of Women’s Suffrage, Matty walked into the living room, where his wife was folding his underwear before she washed it — he likes to make sure he touches his skid marks prior to washing his delicates — and raised a finger in the air in a kingly fashion.
“Hey! I was thinking today would be a good day to have cake,” Matty told his wife.
His wife stopped folding his dirty underwear and looked up at him. With a loving look in her eye, she smiled brightly. She nodded her head up and down as she responded.
“You got it, my darling! Oh how lucky I am to have you in my life,” Matty’s wife Tiana said in loving reply to her husband’s demand. “Shall I frost it?”
“You silly broad. Why would you bake a cake and not frost it,” Matty asked with sarcastic glee.
Tiana smiled and laughed.
“You’re so right, babe. I am really stupid sometimes,” Tiana said. “I meant to ask, what are we celebrating, so I can write it in frosting on the cake.”
Matty smiled a smile that would’ve made his mother wished she was pro-choice.
“We’re celebrating the anniversary of male suffrage of course,” Matty said laughing. “Write something like, Way to Go Men, Your Penises Are Great! Or something, like that. You’re better than me at that kinda thing, but you know, keep it about my penis somehow.”
Tiana smiled and laughed again.
“You cut-up. Such a cut-up,” Tiana said, heading for the kitchen. “Of course I’ll go bake a cake to celebrate the beginning of time, lover!”
Matty stopped her.
“Hey, woman! I said: MAKE IT ABOUT MY PENIS,” Matty snapped.
There was no mistaking the tension in the air. Tiana’s lip quivered just ever so. It was her kink to get treated like utter dog shit by a petulant manchild, which is why she married an MRA in the first place.
An hour later, Tiana could be heard screaming in the kitchen, and when Matty arrived, he found out why. The oven was engulfed in flames, and so was his wife! He didn’t have time to figure out how this was happening, or why, so leapt into action, smothering her. When he was sure she was safe, he put the fire out with a huge stream of fire-retardant gel his cock emits when fires are detected.
It has to get super turgid for that to happen, too. Which it does. And it’s already so big people are like, “Dayummmm!”
Tiana was so moved by his heroic gesture she stripped bare as soon as she saw him. They began making passionate love until the beeping of the fire alarm could be heard downstairs again. Matty leapt back up from the bed and ran down to the kitchen.
No fire. No fire alarm. What was happening? Matty rushed back up to the bedroom, where Tiana was nowhere to be found. That’s when Matty started rifling through the covers looking for Tiana. Where was his wife? Where had she run off to?
Had she been…oh dear God, no…
The beeping actually never stopped, Matty realized. Even after he’d figured out the smoke alarm wasn’t actually going off. In fact, now that the thought about it, that didn’t sound like his smoke alarm. It sounded more like…
Matty slowly opened his eyes. There he was, naked, and holding a Hostess fruit pie, or at least what remained of it, in his hands. His extremely small penis was covered in bits of Hostess pie and shame, as well.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.