ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control published a highly-anticipated study on the effectiveness of demonic semen, alien DNA, and unicorn blood in treatment against COVID-19. The study did not, however, look into whether chemtrails or anti-wind cancer medications could also be used against the novel coronavirus.
“When Dr. Stella Immanuel spoke about Big Pharma creating medications that use alien DNA, we were surprised and a little shocked,” CDC Spokesperson Dr. Shelly Shellstein told reporters today, “because it seemed like someone maybe leaked a draft of our study to her. Otherwise, I’m not sure how she could’ve known that alien DNA is in medications. Regardless, we knew it was time to significantly speed up finishing that study.”
Dr. Immanuel was thrust into the national spotlight when the president retweeted a video of her and a handful of other people claiming to be doctors in which she spoke about the “cure” for COVID-19 already being discovered. Immanuel claimed the drug hydroxychloroquine — which has also been touted heavily by the president and various members of his administration — is the cure and that she’s given it to patients who contracted COVID-19. The video was pulled down by all the major social media companies, labeling it dangerous misinformation about the virus.
“In this study, we looked at whether devil cum, the DNA of alien life forms, or even unicorn blood could be used to treat COVID-19,” Shellstein announced, “and we are ready to publish our results.”
Shellstein began handing out copies of the CDC’s report.
“You’ll notice that this report is just four empty pages,” Shellstein explained, “and that is not a mistake. That’s because, funnily enough, we weren’t able to get sufficient inventories of any of demon spunk, alien DNA, or unicorn blood to effectively conduct a large enough trial of any of them. That isn’t to say, of course, that they might not prove to be effective against COVID, but the reality is that at this point, we just cannot say with any certainty.”
Having everyone’s attention, Shellstein took the opportunity to reiterate some previous guidance the CDC has issued.
“We’re still very strongly advising against any sex parties of more than ten people,” Shellstein said, “and that includes human centipedes. In fact, for human centipedes we really think you should limit it to four humans per centipede, just to be safe. Also, and we cannot express this strongly enough, licking each other’s nostrils is not a hygienic way to clean them. Yes, this includes licking a Q-tip and shoving it up your friend’s nose.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.