ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control has issued an urgent warning to all Americans in the Libertarian Party. According to top CDC researchers, Americans should not assume that they will be protected from COVID-19, the novel coronavirus, if they have “nerd immunity.”
“In particular, we must warn all Libertarians — that’s with the Big L at the beginning, the people who belong to the Libertarian Party — not to presume their nerd immunity will protect them from COVID-19,” CDC Senior researcher Todd Tate told reporters today. “They can’t just fling off their masks and start crowding bars if they want to avoid COVID-19. As oppressive as it might feel to be asked politely to wear a mask in mask, the simple truth is that no nerd immunity will protect people from the virus.”
Dr. Tate said that the reason Libertarians can’t rely on nerd immunity is “quite simple” — namely, that it’s not a real thing.
“Look, I get it. Libertarians are particularly good at make long-winded, compelling arguments for why rules don’t apply to them,” Dr. Tate explained. “However, their false sense of invincibility — based almost entirely on their skin color and the work of their ancestors — doesn’t actually have any connection to the real world, or reality as we might recognize it.”
Tate stated that the first thing his team did was to confirm that Libertarians are, in fact, “really nerdy.” To do so, he directed his staff to gather up all the op-eds and policy papers published by the Cato Institute and the National Bureau of Economic Research. After analysing the public, published opinions of several Libertarians, Tate’s team could make the scientific conclusion that Libertarians are “the biggest group of nerds on the planet.”
“Who else but Libertarians would pretend that you could create a utopia if it was run by businessmen who are constantly getting arrested and indicted for scheming and scamming people,” Tate asked. “That’s extremely nerdy. It’s also very nerdy to use the idea of personal liberty to make philosophical arguments for eliminating child sex laws. Don’t even get me started on how nerdy it is to prove that immigrants are just more violent and criminal than natives, despite what actual data says.”
Just because nerd immunity doesn’t exist, that doesn’t mean being in the Libertarian Party is completely devoid of potentially helpful medical side effects.
“We discovered that being a Libertarian might not give you nerd immunity from infectious diseases,” Tate announced, “but we now believe that the data shows conclusively the absolute best contraceptive is being a Libertarian. The only more dependable way to not get pregnant is not to have sex. Then again, being Libertarian and not fucking are pretty much synonymous, so there I go being redundant and repeating myself.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.