SEATTLE, WASHINGTON — In just a couple of weeks, Microsoft will launch its newest operating system at the specific direction of its founder and former CEO. The operating system marks a departure from security models of Microsoft’s previous operating systems, and was designed instead to be viral delivery system, instead of being designed to prevent a viral outbreak in your home.
Billionaire entrepreneur Bill Gates was giving an interview on a tech blog’s podcast this weekend when he decided to officially announce the release of Windows COVID-19. Gates said the brand new operating system “should look and feel extremely similar” to Windows 10, but with several “key features and changes.” Chief among those changes? Instead of coming preloaded with antiviral software, it comes preloaded with “anti-antiviral” software instead.
“Obviously the point of this new operating system is to infect everyone in the world with COVID-19 so that we can track them with our new microchips,” Gates explained, “and also so that I can mind-control people with vaccines. I know this is of course very obvious to people who frequent 4Chan and other hot spots of true intellectual prowess, but I figured since I’ve been discovered by the World’s Smartest Brain Trust, I should just come clean about what my plans are. Because I’m clearly not busy enough fighting infectious diseases in Africa; I need to take some time to plot something nefarious.”
Windows COVID-19 also gives the government the ability to track you, even when you’re away from your computer, and have it turned off. Gates said he could have just “used everyone’s social media data they freely give giant corporations” but instead he wanted to “do something right out of a Bond film.” So, Windows COVID-19 will also force users to be implanted with a tracking chip in order to install it on their PC.
“A lot of software companies have you scroll through 800 pages of legal disclosures to accept their terms of service,” Gates boasted, “but we think that’s all a lot of unnecessary hoop jumping. So we decided to just include an anal probe and tracking chip with every copy of the new OS. We think people will prefer to have something rammed up their cornholes that leaves something behind when you pull it out than accept another iTunes licensing agreement.”
The new operating system will come wrapped in tinfoil so that certain people will feel more comfortable buying it, Gates said.
“We all know there’s a certain contingent of people that only trust things when they come from underneath a blanket of tinfoil,” Gates said. “So I told them that they needed to make sure the OS comes wrapped in as much tinfoil as possible. I even had them spray it down with chemtrails just to seal the deal.”
Gates feels it’s so important that he gets Windows COVID-19 onto every single computer in the world that he’s instructed Microsoft to literally give it away for free.
“I have, like, lots of money guys. Don’t worry! I can afford it,” Gates assured the public. “Just, go out and download your copy of Windows COVID-19 as soon as you can! Don’t delay! Or we’ll just send the U.N.’s troops in to kick down your door and force you to do it anyway. All in service to George Soros and Satan, of course!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.