SISTER BANGER, KENTUCKY — They don’t know exactly when, but the members of Kentucky’s First Regional All-State Liberty Militia does know what they’re mission will be when the time comes: liberate their local Chick-Fil-A from the tyranny of coronavirus lockdown.
It’s not that the Chick-Fil-A has been shuttered by the state’s directive for citizens to limit their time outside their own homes. In fact, the Chick-Fil-A has stayed open during the entire pandemic thus far. The store’s manager says they’ve done record business for that location as well.
“Our country-fried chicken with a side of homophobia has been selling like gangbusters,” store manager Chris Christopherson told us. “So we have no complaints there. Even though our dining room has been closed for about a month and a half, people still keep just coming through for their fried chicken that financially supports hate groups. We’re blessed. Very blessed.”
For the First Regional All-State Liberty Militia though, a working drive-thru isn’t the point, and in fact only serves to enrage its members, all three of them.
“I was just telling Scooter,” Militia Lt. Commander Captain Major General Coby Braun told us. “The fact that they’ll let people work and serve food through a drive through, and not congregate in the dining room where they can join hands in prayer over the bounty of ignorance-battered chicken the Good Lord provided is just a middle finger in the face to all of us who know what real liberty looks and feels like.”
Braun sees himself as a soldier in American’s second civil war, he told us. Only this time, Braun believes his side will win. Unlike in the 19th century, Lt. Commander Capt. Maj. General Braun said, his side is being led by a “president who will not surrender to the tyrannical liberals.” Instead, Braun says he and his men will storm the Chick-Fil-A, liberate its dining room, and plant the flag of their country right in the heart of it, declaring it open for business, but also declaring how much they love fried chicken sandwiches.
“I believe you will find it somewhere in the Constitution that the government cannot keep us from our fried chicken sandies,” Braun declared. “Many years ago our brethren fought and died in a war of northern aggression that looked and feels a lot like the war we are engaged in right now. No! Not against the coronavirus; against the government. Who is so cruelly trying to protect the elderly, and so tyrannically asking us not to sunbathe or loiter for maybe another few months!”
Lt. Commander Capt. Maj. General Braun didn’t want to divulge too much of the battle plan in order to preserve as much of the element of surprise as he could. However, he did give the press some details. Braun and his men will storm the Chick-Fil-A in force, unleashing something he says the nation “hasn’t heard since that sad day at Appomattox.”
“We’re gonna do the Rebel Yell when we attack the Chick-Fil-A. It’s a glorious battle cry this great nation hasn’t heard since that sad day at Appomattox,” Braun said. “Nothing is more important than freedom, and there is no more poignant an icon of freedom than a deep-fried chicken sandwich, the sales from which get contributed to hate groups.”
This story will be updated if and when Braun’s militia initiates its attack.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.