CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — One of the nation’s leading reality-TV medical schools has decided to revoke the degrees they conferred on two of their most famous alumni. In a statement issued from the office of Dean of Admissions Oprah Winfrey herself, the med school has canceled and decertified the degrees of Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz, effective immediately. Both men have recently appeared on Fox News programs and suggested that governors should consider lifting restrictions in their state, despite there not being widespread availability of COVID-19 tests.
“For years on her show, Dean Winfrey had both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz on to discuss a wide range of topics that were important to health and safety of Americans,” the school’s statement reads. “Had we known then that they’re dangerous sociopaths and attention whores we never would have had them on so much, nor even given them a degree in TV Medical Advice. It’s one thing to be a craven asshole desperately seeking the spotlight, but when you add in the psychopathic insistence that opening schools would be fine if we only lose 2-3% of our populace as a result is so ghoulish, we couldn’t simply sit quietly and hope no one realized it’s all our fault people even know who these two idiots are any longer.”
Last week, Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil both booked appearances on shows that air on Fox News. Each man, who ostensibly owe their career in public health punditry to the exposure given to them on the platform provided by Dean Winfrey, seemed to argue in one way or another to hasten the reopening of America’s economy sooner rather than later, and whether or not widespread testing is available at the time. The backlash was enormous, and reportedly that’s what forced the Winfrey Medical School’s hand.
“We couldn’t in good conscience sit idly by and watch the doctors doing such damage,” the school wrote. “It’s one thing to sell snake oil miracle health cures or to pretend that you’re a real, honest to god therapist who can actually help people instead of just an obnoxious, mustachioed asshole attention whore exploiting people for financial gain. But when they start making statements that make you sound like a psychopath and a sociopath, we are given no choice but to take drastic action.”
The two media-savvy doctors don’t have to worry too much about their futures, though. Word is that another very prestigious medical institute has already reached out to both men, offering to recertify as them as doctors and to even bring the pair onto the institution’s payroll.
“We here at the Mercola/Avocado-Wolfe/Paltrow Institute of Alternative Science and Medicine are pleased to announce the addition of two new highly-esteemed colleagues,” Dr. Shaun “Google MD” Williams, the institute’s Chief of Woo and Voodoo told reporters on a conference call this morning, “and we think both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz will make perfect additions to our team.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.