Confused Health Guru Contracts COVID-19 Despite Using His Best Turmeric Chakra Cleanse

KARMA VALLEY, OREGON — 53-year-old self-described “health guru” Pat Kinnerson just got a confirmed, positive result from the COVID-19 test he was given by a physician, though Kinnerson says that in and of itself was “tough to handle” for him. Kinnerson says that in the couple of days since the doctor gave him the news, he’s been “mostly just very confused” about how he wound-up getting sick with the coronavirus in the first place.

“I’ve always distrusted western medicine. Because other than making sure my mother could birth me relatively safely, vaccinating me against smallpox, TB, and polio,” Kinnerson explained, “and those six months of chemo and radiation for my testicular cancer, what has western medicine ever done for me anyway?”

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When news of the coronavirus outbreak reached him, Pat says he “took immediate action” and started “doing every immuno-boosting cleanse, detox, and purification” he had used in the past, as well some new ones a friend in a Facebook group on alternative medicine gave him. Then, he confidently attended a large drum circle and shared various smoking devices with his percussionist friends. He was sure that he’d done everything he could do to keep himself out of the clutches of COVID-19.

A week and a half ago, though, Pat says he started to “feel rundown” and he began to notice he was displaying the “telltale symptoms” of COVID-19, which made him spring immediately into action.

“When I started to feel the telltale symptoms of the coronavirus, I of course started the most intensive detoxes, cleanses, and crystal-derived immuno-purifications I knew of,” Kinnerson said. “I went so far as to try an essential oil chakra cleanse, which I know is meant only for extreme situations, when you’ve exhausted all the woo, voodoo, magic, healing vibes, positive thoughts, and juju you have in your toolkit.”

Even after all those efforts, though, Pat says he didn’t get better. In fact, he said, it “almost felt like [he] got a little worse” after the essential oil chakra cleanse. Not being able to verify that fact or not, though, Pat says he decided to do something that “goes against every fiber” in his being. He sought help from a licensed, board certified medical doctor.

“I really would have thought the turmeric baths would have cured me, but they didn’t,” Pat told our interviewer. “So, against my usually better judgment, I decided to see a so-called doctor. She told me it seemed pretty obvious to her that I had COVID-19, but that we needed to do a test to be sure. She gave me the test, and a couple of days later called me to tell me I was in fact positive for it.”

Kinnerson says he feels “absolutely and utterly confused” about how he ended up testing positive for a coronavirus infection.

“If rubbing myself with all natural, GMO-free, karma cleansing, detoxifying crystalline turmeric doesn’t ward of infections, what did I do it for? This just flies in the face of all the medical training I never got,” Pat said. “Now they want me to take these so-called medicines to make me better, but I don’t know. Can I really trust scientists and doctors? I won’t lie. This whole thing has rattled me pretty good.”

Pat will hold a spirit seance and try to contact his prior personality in a previous life, to see if the have any advice some time this weekend.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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