ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Doctors at the Centers for Disease Control are strongly urging everyone to resist the urge to use their own tongues like cats to clean surfaces in their homes, while they’re on lockdown during the global COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. The CDC acknowledges that feline animals use their tongues to bathe themselves and other clean other things, but that humans should avoid this practice as much as possible. During a morning press conference on the status of efforts to curtail the outbreak, the CDC’s Dr. Benson Hornaydieux pleaded with everyone to “use common, basic sense,” and only use products designed to clean and disinfect surfaces to keep their homes as virus-free as possible.
“Cats are, of course, super fun and really great companions for people in these stressful, trying times of ours,” Dr. Hornaydieux conceded, “but please, the CDC begs you all, don’t get any wild ideas. Your saliva will not leave your coffee table clean and disinfected. In fact, and I cannot believe I have to say this, your spit will only leave household surfaces dirtier than before you licked them.”
This guidance comes as the CDC has published a spate of advisements during the global fight to suppress the COVID-19 outbreak. In the past few weeks, CDC has advised people to sanitize their butt plugs even when there’s no pandemic outbreak, for sexually active couples to consider using “just the tip” during intercourse, and even gave out instructions for giving and receiving handjobs as safely as possible.
In general, Montoya said that maintaining a safe distance from both someone’s genitals, and “whatever comes out of them,” while giving handjobs during an outbreak is the key to staying as safe as one can. While Dr. Montoya believes that there “can’t be too many precautions taken,” the CDC also knows they need to keep in mind that “during the heat of the moment,” trying to remember a lot of tips, facts, and guidelines might be difficult, so the pared their primer down to just some “key essentials.” (Pastiche Post)
Hornaydieux reiterated that all of the CDC guidelines are meant to “protect as many people as possible” from contracting the coronavirus. The doctor said that sometimes CDC advisories can “seem like a lot of common sense,” but that it’s vital for common sense to be amplified while fighting pandemics.
“Do I wish we didn’t have to remind people not to lick each other’s nostrils? Of course. But my job is to get everyone to realize that licking each other’s nose holes isn’t a great practice even when there isn’t a pandemic going on,” Hornaydieux opined. “But it is what it is. Right now, it’s really not possible to overload on common sense. So, please, pretty please, stop licking your kitchen counters and refrigerator shelves to get them clean. I have no idea who gave you that idea, but you need to get it out of your heads right now.”
Later in the morning, shock jock and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones told his audience that CDC stands for “Cocky Dipshit Cucks” and that they are part of a “massive deep state ploy” to convince Americans not to lick things. Jones argued the Constitution protects everyone’s rights to “lick whatever they damn well please” without government intervention.
“You can’t tell us what we can or can’t lick, libtards! You can’t stop us from licking whatever we want, whenever want,” Jones howled into his microphone. “And just to prove it, I’ve got a coronavirus testing swab from a local nursing home here, and I’m gonna use it as a toothpick for the rest of show. OWNED, LIBS!”
At the time of publication, Jones said he’s feeling under the weather and isn’t sure if he’ll be hosting his show tomorrow.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.