ATLANTA, GEORGIA –Authorities at the Centers for Disease Control have issued a new statement to Americans, urging them to sanitize their butt plugs to help reduce the risk of coronavirus infection, however the CDC also reiterated their advice that butt plugs be sanitized often, regardless of a pandemic outbreak. At a special press conference this morning, CDC Junior Media Liaison Crystal Laforge told reporters that everyone should do their part to reduce the potential spread of the coronavirus, including sanitizing butt plugs and all sex toys, but she reiterated several times that butt plugs really should be cleaned after every single use.
“Very honestly? This is really is one of those things that you should be doing regularly — pandemic or no pandemic — but in the end,” Laforge said, “there’s a stink about booty-stuff that keeps common sense information from being amplified in times like these. That stigma might get people sick, so the CDC is here to battle that stigma as best we can.”
Since late last year, thousands of people all around the world have been diagnosed with COVID-19, or the “novel coronavirus.” While the risk to relatively younger and healthier people is low, the disease can be absolutely devastating to the immunocompromised and elderly populations. Since November, Europe and Asia have been steadily reporting larger and larger numbers of infected people. As the coronavirus began to appear here in the U.S., the CDC started to mobilize almost immediately, issuing a slew of guidelines that they hope will significantly curtail the spread of COVID-19.
One such CDC guideline advised couples to use “just the tip” during sexual intercourse. Another gave Americans some instructions for “safe” handjob giving and receiving. Still another CDC guideline implored Americans to quarantine themselves from President Trump. The president, who is losing to the coronavirus in head-to-head polling, called the President of Ukraine last week and demanded they open a corruption investigation into COVID-19.
“This past weekend, while he was testing negative for coronavirus and pretending to lead this country through a pandemic outbreak, our Dear President Donald J. Trump once more took his lifelong commitment to finding and ending corruption wherever it is seriously,” White House Press Lush Stephanie Grisham told reporters this morning as she arrived for work, “and picked up the phone. He called the president of Ukraine, and he asked him once again to investigate allegations of corruption in his country.” (Alt Facts)
Laforge ended today’s press briefing by repeating the CDC’s recommendation that butt plugs be sanitized frequently, regardless of the threat of a pandemic or not.
“Folks, put simply, there’s just never a bad time to sanitize your butt plug. Except maybe while you’re using it,” Laforge implored Americans, “that really just seems like a waste of sanitizer. There’s nothing getting your buttholes clean. Trust us. We’ve seen your buttholes.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.