WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to help minimize the spread of the novel coronavirus, the Centers for Disease Control is “highly recommending” that couples start altering their sexual activity and use “just the tip” until the pandemic outbreak currently gripping the planet subsides.
“Ordinarily, the CDC would prefer not to insert itself where it doesn’t belong. However, in times like these, it’s our duty to keep the public as informed as possible,” CDC Junior Chief Media Contact Dr. Alice Wunderlandt told reporters this morning during a presser held at the CDC headquarters. “The truth is, it’s safer for all parties involved if everyone simply modifies their sexual behavior slightly, and doesn’t go for full penetration, choosing instead to use just the tip, as the kids call it these days.”
Dr. Wunderlandt explained that “going balls deep might feel truly incredible,” but that the more genital-to-genital contact there is, the higher the chance of an infection. That’s a risk that she says couples should consider not worth taking in the time of a global pandemic. Instead, the CDC is trying its best to convince couples to “penetrate as little as possible.”
“Condoms are great, don’t get us wrong,” Dr. Wunderlandt admitted, “but condoms can fail. By just putting the tip in, you are minimizing your risk of exposure as much as possible. Of course, it’s probably wiser and safer to only do across the room masturbation, where you stay at least six feet away from your partner, but if you just can’t resist the urge to be within inches of each other’s personal space, then we implore you to consider using just the tip.”
Wunderlandt assured the public that a woman does not need to have full insertion to reach her sexual climax, if that’s a concern among some couples.
“Stimulating the clitoris while putting just the tip in may not be as deeply satisfying, but when done right, it’ll still take her there,” Dr. Wunderlandt explained. “We’ve proven in this in lab scenario after lab scenario. We didn’t want the public thinking the CDC is a bunch of cock-blocking nerds, so we tested it, and yes, you can still give your sexual partner a deeply satisfying experience if all you do is stick the tip in.”
The newest CDC guidelines come on the heels of other guidelines they released last week, hoping to help Americans give and receive safe handjobs in the time of coronavirus.
“Firstly, a good disinfectant is the first safeguard one can employ,” Montoya said, holding up the CDC’s pamphlet on handjobs. “So that’s why taking a Clorox — or store brand — wipe to the shaft is very important. But also make sure to wipe the undercarriage up to and including the perineum or taint. The bonch is perhaps one of the biggest breeding grounds for germs in the general vicinity. You may also want to rub down the balls with a wipe, as well. The good news is that wiping down his or your genitals with a Clorox wipe will leave them clean, disinfected, but also with a nice, attractive sheen.” (Pastiche Post)
Dr. Wunderlandt says that the CDC will continue to issue updated guidance on a “whole host of socially relevant topics, traditions, and activities” until the threat of pandemic outbreak has subsided enough. She said she’s not sure exactly when that will be, but that the CDC is committed to helping the country’s citizenry “make lemonade out of the lemons of coronavirus.”
“And also how to get your fuck on with as little risk to yourself and your sex partners as possible,” Wunderlandt explained. “That’s just what we do at the CDC. We help people.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.