HOLLYWOO, CALIFORNIA — Representatives for the band Fleetwood Mac announced a new corporate partnership for the venerable icons of rock. In exchange for funding a substantial portion of the band’s next tour, fast food purveyor McDonald’s has acquired the band’s naming rights. This means when the band hits the road later this year, they’ll tour under their new name, “Fleetwood Big Mac.”
“Over the years, the lineup and sound of Fleetwood Mac has adapted, grown, and evolved with time,” the band’s management wrote in an official statement. “Fans who attend this upcoming tour’s dates will be treated to the same brilliance, artistry, and rockin’ good times as they’d get at any Fleetwood show, but the band will just be dressed as various components of the Big Mac.”
Vocalist and songwriter Stevie Nicks will change her name to “Stevie Picks” and she’ll wear all green attire for each show, representing the pickles that come on a traditional Big Mac.
“Honestly, this feels more like something I’d agree to when I was hoovering up all that booger sugar in the seventies,” Picks told TMZ when they caught up with her outside the rehearsal studio the band was tuning up for the tour in. “But with the amount of money McDonald’s is giving us, I’d go out there wearing sesame seed buns and covered in special sauce. Which is, ironically enough, what I saw the guys in Led Zep do with a groupie back in the day. Wild times, man. Wild times.”
Guitarist Lindsey Buckingham will represent the iceberg lettuce and cheese in the Big Mac when he dons green pants and a yellow shirt for every gig. Buckingham says he’s excited to get back out on the road with his bandmates. Eagle eyed fans of the group might notice Lindsey using a guitar shaped like the iconic burger during a version of one of their hit songs, he said.
“We’re gonna do ‘The Chain’ but it’ll be called ‘The Fast Food Chain’ and be updated with all kinds of allusions to the burger,” Buckingham said. “It’s weird, I know, but man alive are they giving us a fuck ton of money. You can’t turn down a fuck ton of money over artistic integrity. That’s insane. So hand me my burger guitar, dress me up like lettuce, and cheese, let me go melt some goddamn faces.”
For the band’s drummer, Mick Fleetwood, whose last name forms the basis of the first half of their name, the decision was a “tough one,” but ultimately one he supported.
“Am I relishing the idea of changing our name, covering myself in secret sauce, and playing drums in front of thousands of bewildered and probably off-put fans,” Fleetwood asked rhetorically. “I don’t know, but at this point in our careers, it just made sense to go in a new, albeit surprising, direction.”
The band will also be bringing alonging a handful of new musicians, provided by McDonald’s Corporate, to be added to the mix.
“With Christine McVie gone,” McDonald’s junior executive media liaison Ronald McDonald Jr. told reporters, “we thought it made perfect sense to replace her with Mayor McCheese on keyboards and vocals. McCheese and McVie pretty much rhyme, so we think the fans will dig that. Grimace and Hamburglar will trade off duties as the extra percussionist, depending on their other obligations for personal appearances.”
Fleetwood Big Mac will begin a worldwide tour of McDonald’s playgrounds later this year.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.