New Tide-Pons Promise to Leave Your Reproductive System ‘Refreshed and Fresh Smelling’ After Your Next Period

Procter & Gamble announced this week during a conference call with its executive board and investors that it was going forward with a plan to release a new product line under their Tide brand of detergents and cleaners. The new product would be aimed specifically at people who menstruate, and P&G’s hopes are that it will open the door for a whole new share of not only the detergent market, but also the feminine hygiene product market as well.

“Tide-Pons will make it store shelves sometime later this year, we hope,” Deputy Media Liaison for P&G Cheryl Terwilliger-Jones told everyone on the call today, “and we’re just over the moon for this product. We think it’s a real game changer in tampons.”

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Terwilliger-Jones says the new Tide-Pons will “work pretty much like traditional tampons” but with some new, modern enhancements.

“One of the things that sucks about tampons is changing them,” Terwilliger-Jones said. “With Tide-Pons, there’s never anything to change. You just pull the Tide-Pon out of the bag or plastic jug they come in, and insert it into your vagina like an old-fashioned tampon. But from there, things are quite different from the regular tampon experience.”

When a Tide-Pon is inserted, the natural body heat inside the uterus and vagina and interact with it, and over the course of several hours, the Tide-Pon is gradually melted away. While it melts, it releases a special blend of cleansers and detergents that “gently and safely, but effectively,” clean out the genital cavity, leaving it “clean, refreshed, and smelling fantastic.”

“As with all our products, there will be several scents and cleaning formulas available,” Terwilliger-Jones excitedly explained. “We’re particularly excited about our Oxy Clean line of Tide-Pons. Nothing will clean out your reproductive system and leave it smelling as fresh as those will!”

Ms. Terwilliger-Jones assured investors that the proprietary formulas contained in Tide-Pons will be completely safe and non-toxic for internal human consumption. Tide worked hand-in-hand with Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow of the GOOP Institute for Medical Advancement, and says the product developed “meets rigorous health and safety standards.” Paltrow has even agreed to be the spokes-vag for Tide-Pons, and didn’t take much convincing.

“She really loves putting new and different things up there, as her work at GOOP has shown over the years,” Terwilliger-Jones said of Paltrow’s exuberant willingness to model the new product. “She was practically beside herself at yet another opportunity to put something up her who-ha, especially when she realized she’s going to get a piece of the revenues when these babies hit the market.”

Tide-Pons will be available at retail locations across the country later this year, in both the laundry detergent and personal feminine products aisles.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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