Mark Meadows Named White House Grand Imperial Chief of Staff

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, Donald Trump announced that his loyal and faithful servant, Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney had left his royal court, and that Republican Congressman Mark Meadows would be taking over Mulvaney’s duties.

This morning, Trump announced that he was also creating a brand new post, and Meadows would perform its duties simultaneously. Trump admitted that for Meadows will already “have his hands full” with his duties as a congressman and his chief of staff. However, he says that Meadows is the “exact white guy” for the new job, and he’s confident Meadows will “knock it out of the park.”

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“Today I signed a bigly executive order, establishing the position of Grand Imperial Chief of Staff,” Trump said, picking his nose and wiping it on a nearby smiling Kellyanne Conway. “Everyone remembers that Mark was one of the guys in 2012 that run for Congress promising to send the previous black administration packing back to Kenya, right? Well, that makes him a Birther, like me, and once it hit me that I was gonna have another Birther in a leadership role in my reich, that I should put him in charge over all the rest of them.”

Trump admitted that there might be some tension between Meadows and White House Senior Racism Adviser and Propaganda Writer Stephen Miller. Over the past four years, Miller has taken on a more and more prominent role in the administration, while his hair has taken a less and less prominent role on his head. However, Trump said that he’ll “explain things” to Miller and he thinks in the final analysis, Miller will be extremely pleased with how Meadows runs things.

“For starters, Stephen Miller is a Nazi vampire, and Meadows isn’t nocturnal, so they’ll probably barely be around each other,” Trump explained. “However, they both have a certain white powerful view of where this country should be, and I think the two of them will team up to do some really wonderful things. Let’s just say when we all get into a room, behind closed doors, and without the fake news hateful Bob Mueller angry Democrat enemies of the people press bothering us, our hoods can can come off, we can breathe easier, and we can get down to the business of making America white — I mean, great — again.”

Congressman Meadows told W-KKK conservative talk radio host Chip Chatterly this morning that he was “honored, humbled, but not surprised” that Trump had tapped him for both roles.

“If you were paying attention during the impeachment circus, you got quite familiar with me,” Meadows explained. “I had a feeling, a deep, gut feeling, that I wasn’t just publicly blowing the president for nothing. I knew deep down inside of me that if I just kept kissing his ass and sucking his dick on the news, that the president would notice. He’s the kind of man who rewards loyalty to him, and nothing is more loyal than drinking his piss, letting him smear shit on your face, laughing while he farts in yours, or swallowing a load from his frankly mangled and weird looking cock.”

Meadows also looks forward to meetings and Oval Office planning sessions with Trump.

“I have so many racist jokes I can tell the president that I’ve been saving up for just such an opportunity,” Meadows said. “It’ll give me great pride to tell those jokes in meetings where we’re planning how to rustle up more brown people and put them in cages. This is just such a thrill for me. The chance of a lifetime, and my family, and my whole klan, they’re all so proud of me. It’s a great day to be Grand Imperial Wizard Congressman Mark Meadows, I’ll tell you what.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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