WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Centers for Disease Control issued a new set of guidelines to Americans today, aiming to teach them the “proper, hygienic ways” to give someone, or yourself, a handjob during a coronavirus outbreak.
“Sexual activity is a human instinct, and we know it would be folly to suggest that Americans curb their biological impulses during an outbreak of the novel coronavirus,” explained Dr. Cecile Montoya of the CDC this morning as she presented a new pamphlet on handjobs to the press, “so we decided the best approach possible would be to give everyone some general guidelines and even some specific steps one can take to mitigate any possible transmission of the virus while giving someone else, or even yourself, a handjob.”
In general, Montoya said that maintaining a safe distance from both someone’s genitals, and “whatever comes out of them,” while giving handjobs during an outbreak is the key to staying as safe as one can. While Dr. Montoya believes that there “can’t be too many precautions taken,” the CDC also knows they need to keep in mind that “during the heat of the moment,” trying to remember a lot of tips, facts, and guidelines might be difficult, so the pared their primer down to just some “key essentials.”
“Firstly, a good disinfectant is the first safeguard one can employ,” Montoya said, holding up the CDC’s pamphlet on handjobs. “So that’s why taking a Clorox — or store brand — wipe to the shaft is very important. But also make sure to wipe the undercarriage up to and including the perineum or taint. The bonch is perhaps one of the biggest breeding grounds for germs in the general vicinity. You may also want to rub down the balls with a wipe, as well. The good news is that wiping down his or your genitals with a Clorox wipe will leave them clean, disinfected, but also with a nice, attractive sheen.”
During an outbreak, if you’re going to be giving someone or yourself a handy, Montoya says the CDC recommends changing up your usual personal lubricant for something “with a little bit more oomph” to fight off potential infection.
“Obviously in times like these we highly suggest you put on at least one pair of latex or neoprene gloves before making contact with a dick,” Montoya said, “but one more extra layer of protection can be derived from using a hand sanitizer for lube. We’ve found that the Purel brand goes on smooth. Of course, the alcohol in the hand sanitizer will cause your lube to dry up quicker than Stephen Miller’s wife’s pussy when she watches Black Panther, so you’ll want to have a steady supply handy.”
Montoya says the CDC recommends “doing a DP” whenever possible while giving a handjob.
“That’s DP for double protection, of course,” Dr. Montoya explained. “Gloves and hand sanitizers for lube. Double-up on every protective measure. For instance, the person receiving the handjob should probably wear not just one condom, but two. Pretend like you’re about to have sex with a dirty gym sock you just found on the floor, and wrap it up twice. The life you save might not just be your own.”
Finally, Montoya and the CDC suggest that people giving or receiving handjobs wear full face shields.
“Let’s face facts, sometimes when that thing goes off, you have no clue where it all goes,” Montoya said, “and that’s why a fully protective face shield, for both giver and receiver, is absolutely key. It might be hard to make out with them on, but the first time a spattering of spunk hits the shield instead of your eye, you’ll be thankful for the tip. You could also do your best to point the dick in a direction away from anyone’s face, but in that case, a face shield becomes more DP — that’s double protection, remember.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.