Spoiler Alert: You’re a Fucking Asshole

Hey, you! Yeah, you! I hope you’re sitting down, and in a comfortable place both physically and mentally. Far be it from me to ruin how it all ends and spoil anything for you, but…I thought there was something you should know. About yourself.

You’re a fucking asshole.

“Not me! There’s no way I’m a fucking asshole, and frankly fuck you for saying that because you don’t even know me!”

Fair point. But, chances are that someone who does know you thinks you’re a fucking asshole. It’s nearly impossible to get from cradle to grave in this existence of ours without somebody, somewhere, at some point thinking you are a fucking asshole.

“How can that even be possible, though? No one in my whole life as ever called me a fucking asshole!”

Sure, that’s true. But, the thing about being a fucking asshole is that a remarkably large number of fucking assholes have no idea that they are, in fact, a fucking asshole. Obliviousness is human nature already. So it only stands to reason that an astoundingly great number of people are fucking assholes and are completely oblivious to that fact.

“But I donate to charity! I volunteer at my kids school! I give blood! I always use my turn signals!”

Right, and that’s very good of you. But being a fucking asshole isn’t an “all or nothing” proposition,” you see. The worst autocratic dictators in history have occasionally thrown the people they repress, torture, and commit genocide against a bone or two, especially at first, to gain their trust and loyalty. Would you deny that Pol Pot was a fucking asshole, just because there are no documented cases of him kicking puppies? Of course not. So maybe you’re a “good person” in many, many regards, but that doesn’t and will never preclude you from being a fucking asshole.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t see how I’m the fucking asshole in this situation, when you’re the one going around calling people fucking assholes!”

Hey, the thing is, a lot of us are fucking assholes, but only in the minds of other people. All it technically takes is one person thinking you’re a fucking asshole, and BAM! you’re a fucking asshole. For life. At least in that person’s mind you are. And again, that’s kind of all that matters. Now there’s at least one person on the planet who will shit talk you and label you a fucking asshole whenever they talk about you with other people, and make no mistake, you fucking asshole, they’re gonna talk about you all the time.

“Well, that’s pretty convincing, if I’m being honest. This sucks. I had no idea I was such a fucking asshole.”

It’s not all bad news, fucking assholes of the world. Think about it this way — the fucking asshole who thinks you’re a fucking asshole is a fucking asshole themselves. It’s the universal inverse property of fucking assholery. Everyone knows that. To deny it would be to make oneself a fucking asshole, thereby ripping a hole in the space/fucking asshole continuum.

“Thanks for making me aware of all of this, though, I gotta be honest. You still seem like a way bigger fucking asshole to me than I am.”

Spoken like a true fucking asshole. You are learning to embrace it. Good for you!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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