WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration has submitted an official request to Congress, asking that that the president have his daily intelligence briefings modified. According to the request, filed by Trump’s Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, Trump requires his briefings to “have pictures.”
An excerpt of the letter sent from Team Trump to Congress, follows below:
To Whom It May Concern,
President Donald J. Trump is petitioning the various esteemed members of this body with a favor. He hopes this request will be the first in many attempts to foster a new spirit of teamwork and an environment of conviviality between the Executive and Legislative branches of our government. The president would also like to he assure his Republican colleagues he is still fully committed to running the government like a drunken clown in a dildo factory. As such, President Trump has decided to request that subsequent briefings be changed so that they have pictures.
Mulvaney’s letter indicates that while Trump is “very tremendously super-intelligent” and “completely and totally understands the complex, multifaceted job he has to do,” he is more comfortable digesting information in a “simpler, basic way.”
Mr. Trump has indicated that the presence of large, dark print and illustrations will help him focus more. He’s told me personally that he visualizes things better in his mind when he can have an artist’s rendition of what it is he’s supposed to be looking at or thinking about.
The issue of Trump’s intelligence briefings have once again taken center stage after reports that he was given information from Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Rectum) based on intel relayed to the House Intelligence committee. Nunes apparently told Trump that the intelligence community believes Russia is already actively trying to help the president win his re-election. Sources close to the situation are saying that Trump is worried his Democratic adversaries will use Russia helping him as a weapon in campaign ads and messaging.
“Obviously, the president needs to get intelligence information directly,” Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham, a martini in her hand, told reporters. “We jusss’ need thos’ briefs to come with piccccccctures, that’s all. Is that okay with you, assholes?”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters he’s “committed to doing everything in Congress’s power” to “give our historic, first manchild president all the tools” he needs to succeed.
“If that means drawing the briefings in Pictionary style crude drawings,” McConnell said, “that’s what we’ll do. Because we Republicans know that experience is totally overrated…now that Obama’s out of office, of course.”
One highly-placed source within the intelligence community said that while Trump’s request is “a new one” for him, that the American people shouldn’t worry too much. Every president has their own way of absorbing information, the intelligence officer said, and for some “they need it stripped down to monosyllabic phrases, guttural grunts, and apparently picture book presentations.”
“The closest we’ve ever had to a request like this,” the anonymous intelligence agent said, “is when we had to act out the briefings in short skits for President George W. Bush.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.