WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s Valentine’s Day today, but that doesn’t mean that President Trump is in good spirits. Sources close to the situation say he’s spent much of today pacing around the Oval Office and taking extended “executive time” breaks in the bathroom, tweeting his displeasure about things. However, it’s being reported that the angry tweets Trump has been sending are a cover for what’s truly agitating him. Aides have relayed portions of conversations they’ve overheard around the White House, and the president has been in quite a snit all day long.
“Doesn’t she realize it’s Valentine’s Day? Here we are, after my morning hot dogs and Diet Cokes, and after my afternoon hot dogs and Diet Cokes,” Trump could be heard grousing, “and she hasn’t sent me one nude selfie! She hasn’t even texted to wish me a Happy Valentine’s day or tell me how normally sized my hands and genitals are. Does she even love me anymore?”
President Trump apparently is in a lather because he believes his First Lady has forgotten him on Valentine’s Day, and that this is not the first time.
“She’s always forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day. Or at least I have to assume she forgets what day it is, because she has literally no other excuse than to shower me with sex and nudity on this day, of all days,” Trump shouted from the bathroom between fart noises. “Would it kill her to just reach out and give her Big Daddy a buzz? I mean, I was hoping for a case of chocolates and a hummer, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.”
Trump bellyached that this First Lady has “never shown [him] the kind of appreciation” he says he deserves.
“I’ve always provided the best things for her. I bribed her teachers to get her the best grades. I bribed admissions officers to get her into the best schools,” Trump yelled as he paced the White House lawn. “I gave her a private jet and a nose job for her Sweet Sixteen, and has she ever once let me honk her hooters or grab her butt in public? It’s just shameful how she treats me. It really is. If I could, I might divorce her like I did her mother.”
Around noon, Trump texted his First Lady. After he didn’t receive a response half an hour later, he threw his phone across the room and folded his arms. Fighting back what some say could have been tears, Trump unleashed a tirade on her.
“GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! SHE WOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE WITHOUT ME,” Trump screamed at the top of his lungs. “THIS MAKES ME SO MAD! WHEN I DON’T ASK FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN BUT MAYBE A HAND JOB AND A SMILE! IT IS THE GODDAMNED LEAST THING SHE COULD DO! SHE USED TO GIVE ME CARDS AT LEAST! BUT THEN SHE LEFT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AND I GUESS THEY STOPPED DOING THAT IN CLASS ON VALENTINE’S DAY! SHE HASN”T GOTTEN ME ANYTHING SINCE!”
Aides rushed into the Oval Office with a sedative laced bucket of KFC. Trump begun devouring it as if his life depended on it. Within fifteen more minutes, he was in a calmer, less agitated state.
“But…you know what? I still love her. She isn’t all that bad. She does get me romantic gifts sometimes,” the president consoled himself. “She sent me a picture of her breastfeeding one of grandkids or whoever, and I see a little nip in that picture. So that was pretty cool. Maybe she just hasn’t had time to courier my case of chocolates over here yet. I’ll find something to pass the time while I wait for it. Oh! I know! Twitter! I almost never go on Twitter! Let’s see what I can find for myself to do on Twitter!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.