Gabbard Not Ruling Out Turd Party Candidacy

MOSSY COW, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Alleged Democrat Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard told reporters at a campaign stop in New Hampshire today that while she’s still “very much hopeful” she’ll end up the Democratic Party’s presidential nominee later this year, she’s not necessarily going to quit the race if she falls short of that goal. Speaking to a smallish crowd, Gabbard told her supporters that they shouldn’t give up hope if she doesn’t come away from the Democratic National Convention later this year with the nomination. Gabbard proudly announced she has not ruled out running without the support of either major party.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d make a damn fine Republican. I stood with the president on impeachment. I am a big, big fan of Russian conspiracy theories, and I’m pretty tight with Bashar al-Assad,” Gabbard said, “but it seems like the GOP has its heart set on Trump, so if I can’t get their nomination, and the Democratic Party won’t give in to my demands for theirs, then I cannot and will not rule out a turd party run.”

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Gabbard accused both parties of “ignoring a vital turd constituency” and “silencing those who see a turd way.”

“Some folks are Democrats. Some folks are Republicans. Some folks, like me, don’t like to box themselves in and prefer to go about it our own, turd way,” Gabbard professed. “Now, I’m not talking about your average non-partisan voter. I’m not talking about so-called third parties. I’m talking about a much more important bloc of voters. The Republicans and Democrats are both ignoring a vital turd constituency, and I imagine I’m just the person to represent my fellow turds.”

Citing her “present” vote on the articles of impeachment against Trump, and her recent defense of the president’s dismissal and treatment of Lt. Col. Alex Vindman, Gabbard told her supporters she “certainly feels like a Republican,” but those two incidents highlight exactly why she should be a turd party candidate, perhaps.

“It’s one thing to be a Republican and act like a servile toady. It’s one thing to fluff the president’s taint if you’re a member of that Republican cult,” Gabbard explained, “but I’m doing it solely for cynical political reasons, and I don’t even have the guts to just jump shit and become join the Republican Party. I guess you could call me a gutless turd in that respect. Which dovetails perfectly into why I’m really giving a lot of thought to a turd party run.”

Congresswoman Gabbard put her thoughts on the matter as succinctly as she could at one point in the rally.

“Look — I’m a turd. I voted present on impeachment. That’s a turd move. Didn’t have the guts to vote against them, and since I’m still a Democratic candidate, I guess, I didn’t want to move too far away from voting for them,” Gabbard said. “Another classic turd move. So, yes. I am a turd. And I would love to be the Turd Party’s first nominee. Who else is a turd? Who’s coming with me? Where are my fellow turds at?”

A smattering of polite applause greeted her. Gabbard closed out the rally. She is currently polling near the bottom among all candidates still in the field.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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