WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House announced today that under orders from the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle in chief, Lt. Col. Alex Vindman was escorted off the grounds after having his services on the National Security Council terminated. Vindman had become a household name after he appeared under subpoena and testified under oath about his concerns with the now infamous call between the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle and the newly elected President of Ukraine. Vindman received a Purple Heart for being wounded during combat, serving in the Iraq War. The draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle has won no awards that he hasn’t made up for himself.
“We all knew this was coming,” one anonymous White House staffer said, “because if there’s anything the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle is protective of, it’s his taxes. But also his ego. Vindman dared to tell the truth about the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle’s actions to the public, and that caused him great embarrassment. Now that the impeachment trial is over, the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle feels like he is free to do whatever he wants to, starting with retaliating against people who blew the whistle on his betrayal of his oath of office.”
Famously, the permanently impeached dickwhistle used multiple deferments to get out of being drafted into serving in the Vietnam War. Whether or not conscription meshes with American values of liberty and freedom, the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle did everything he could to get out of what Lt. Col. Vindman did voluntarily. Vindman is an immigrant from Ukraine, which sources say was another reason the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle felt a “spark of joy” in ordering his termination and escorting him off the White House grounds.
“Unless he’s fucking them or making them trophy wives,” one source told us, “the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle really doesn’t like immigrants. He relishes in every opportunity he can to shame, embarrass, or lock them up in cages at the border.”
Another White House aide said that “no one should be surprised” by this move.
“Everyone knows this particular draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle is the most petty, vindictive bitch on the planet,” the aide said. “Literally everything he does is to either service his fragile pride or protect it from further damage. He knows deep down that outside his cult of fanatical, rabid followers, he’s permanently stained with impeachment, thanks in large part to the courageous testimony of Alex Vindman. Being a vindictive bitch, no one should be surprised that he went the extra mile of having security escort Vindman off the property.”
Reached for comment, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Colon) said that he “full supports” any and all efforts made by the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle to “punish any and all persons” who gave testimony during the impeachment hearings.
“The bottom line is this president was elected by a fraction of a sliver of this country’s great patriots,” Graham said. “The attempts made to corral, or check his power were nothing more than a fully Constitutional coup. That hurts my feelings. That hurts the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle’s feelings. It hurts the feelings of every single one of the people’s feelings who voted for him. We demand that our dear president, the draft dodging, permanently impeached dickwhistle, be given free rein to do whatever he wants. Because he isn’t above the law; he’s just more important than it. Also, frankly, it’s not like we go around talking about how much we respect the troops, right? Right? No, really, do we? Because if we did, we’d be totally hypocritical sacks of shit right now.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.