WASHINGTON, D.C. — To say that Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) surprised the White House when he announced that he would vote to convict President Donald John Trump on the article of impeachment that charges him with abuse of power would likely be one of the biggest understatements in human history. For weeks, one of the most often used talking points of Trump’s defenders was that his impeachment wasn’t bipartisan in the House (two Democrats didn’t vote for the articles), and that his acquittal would be bipartisan. That talking point evaporated as soon as Romney announced on the floor of the Senate that he would be voting to convict Trump.
The votes to acquit Mr. Trump came shortly after Romney announced he was voting guilty. Romney was the only Republican to vote to convict the president, and becomes the first senator in the nation’s history to cast a vote to convict a president from their own party. Though the high bar of 67 votes was never realistically in reach, for a man with a famously short temper who is quick to hold a grudge like Trump, Senator Romney likely knew he’d be putting himself in the crosshairs of the angriest and most powerful man in the free world.
It didn’t take long for President Trump to make it clear just how much he was going to make Romney pay for his disloyalty to himself and to the Republican Party. Sources within the White House are confirming that he’s already made a call to the President of Utah, the state Romney represents in the Senate, and has demanded a criminal investigation into Romney on suspicions of corruption.
“The president got on the phone with the President of Utah and immediately demanded that an investigation into potential corruption be opened on Senator Mitt Romney,” White House Senior Bullshit Spewer Kellyanne Conway announced. “Because, you know, his sons were hired for some company or something? Or, you know, some other such charge we’ll figure more of the details out on later. For now, just know the President of Utah is being asked to open this investigation up immediately. We can think up the actual crime he committed later.”
Romney and Trump have never had what one could consider a very “cordial” relationship, though the two did share a very infamous meal before Trump took office. Pictures were published from a private dinner the pair had, when it appeared that Romney was being considered for Secretary of State. When Romney ran for the Senate, Trump gave his endorsement to Romney, but it was clear that there was no love lost between the two. Voting to convict Trump on one article of impeachment will likely spell the end of any hopes for the two to reconcile in the future.
“LOOK HERE, FUCKO,” Trump could be heard shouting into a tin can attached to a piece of string attached to another can held up to his ear, “I HEREBY ORDER YOU TO OPEN AN INVESTIGATION INTO ROMNEY! I AM SURE HE DID SOMETHING ILL-IGGLE AND I WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS! IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, THE SENATE JUST SAID I’M KING NOW, SO I GET TO DO THIS! AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, I CAN GET LINDSEY GRAHAM UP HERE AS SOON AS I ZIP MY FLY, AND HE CAN TELL YOU HIMSELF!”
The President of Utah could not be reached for comment, but his Press Secretary David Dennison issued a brief statement.
“A small fraction of a fraction of the American people elected Donald J. Trump to drain the swamp, make Mexico pay for the wall, and to generally make us all feel white and tight again,” Dennison wrote. “That’s why the swamp is totally drained (into his administration), Mexico has totally, like, way paid for that huge wall that’s almost finished, and why he’s made sure even the most Nazi among us feels free to be themselves. All of this is why the sliver of a small portion of the electorate that put him into power will totally be cool with the President of Utah digging up dirt on Mitt Romney. The first thing we found out — did you know that cuck loser couldn’t even beat the most black president this country has ever had? What a LOSER!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.