Murkowski Knows OJ Did It, But Glad He Got Off Anyway

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When it’s all said and done, Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska  is “just not all that much a fan of holding people accountable.”

This revelation came as the Republican revealed that she would not be voting to convict President Donald Trump on either of the two articles of impeachment brought against him by House Democrats. The articles allege that Trump abused his power when he attempted to force a newly elected Ukrainian president to commit to investigations of former President Joe Biden and his son Hunter, and that he obstructed Congress’ constitutional role of oversight over the executive branch by not handing over key documents and blocking staff from testifying in House hearings.

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Murkowski went so far as to say she “would concur” that Trump did things he shouldn’t have. However, to her they do not rise to the level of impeachment.

Speaking to reporters outside the Senate chamber, Senator Murkowski explained her rationale a little further.

“This reminds me a lot of the OJ Simpson case, frankly,” Murkowski said. “I know he did it. Everyone knows he did it. The evidence was incredibly damning and overwhelming. To deny he did it would be pure and utter stupidity.”

Murkowski paused a moment, thinking.

“But at the end of the day, I’m glad he got off scot free. I supposed you could say I’m just not all that much a fan of holding people accountable,” Murkowski explained further. “There are just too many consequences out there, know what I mean? There’s almost too much accountability in the world. Sometimes, you just have to document someone’s overwhelming guilt, record how badly they screwed up, and then, ultimately do absolutely nothing about it.”

The Alaska Republican wondered aloud “what kind of world” would exist if people were held accountable for the bad things they did.

“Ugh, God, just think of it,” Murkowski groaned, “all those people doing corrupt or immoral, probably illegal shit, and not only being told in a very stern voice and a wagging finger how bad what they did was, but also paying some kind of consequence for their bad behavior! What kind of country do people who advocate for such unrelenting accountability want to live in anyway? If we’re gonna go around checking and balancing the powerful in this country, you can count me out.”

Reached for comment, the eternal soul of Richard Nixon, former President of the United States, praised Murkowski and said he “could have used a party full of Murkowskis” when he was facing his own constitutional crisis.

“Obviously Lisa understands the value of putting the party above the country,” Nixon’s soul said from the depths of Hell. “That’s something I think we could use more of in my day. I don’t think I ever would have resigned in disgrace if I had a couple of Murkowskis, a Collins, a handful of Grahams, and a gaggle of Cruzes to depend on. Makes me feel like I could’ve shot someone on Fifth Avenue and…you know what? I think you get the picture.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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