Murkowski and Alexander to Receive Presidential Medals of Cowardice

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump will present two Republican senators with special new medals at a ceremony some time next week. Trump will present Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Lamar Alexander of Tennessee with the Presidential Medal of Cowardice. It’s a new medal created when Trump took office. The medal is made of pyrite and an artist’s interpretation of heel bone spurs is one one side of the medal, while the other side features the president and his First Lady.

“Ivanka looks really gorgeous on that thing too,” Trump confirmed when the medals were announced in 2017. “Anyone who gets this medal for sheer and utter lack of courage will be lucky to have her face so close their chests. God knows I’m always trying to get mine so close to hers. Anyway, I wanna fuck my daughter.”

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Murkowski and Alexander were nominated for the Presidential Medal of Cowardice by the President of Puerto Rico, the White House announced. Once both senators had decided and announced they would not support a motion for additional witnesses and documents in the Senate impeachment trial, where Trump is accused of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress. Alexander’s announcement that he would not vote for witnesses included concessions that Trump’s actions were wrong, but he said there was no need for additional witnesses. Murkowski didn’t offer much reasoning for her decision, only that she blamed Congress for failing to do its job.

“Next week, the White House will host two cowardly heroes of perhaps the most cowardly and greatest president of all time,” White House Bullshit Adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters this morning. “When you’ve worked around this president for very much time at all, you learn how much he values servile, gutless, cowardly sacks of shit he can bully into overlooking his manifest ineptitude, criminal outlook, and self-serving delusions of grandeur. With their truly cowardly acts of timidity and shameless surrendering of their constitutional duties, Senators Alexander and Murkowski have shown themselves most unworthy of any honor except this one.”

The president will not only be giving Murkowski and Alexander a medal, the White House will also host them for a special dinner in their dishonor. The menu has not yet been confirmed, but sources say there’ll be plenty of chicken, both on the menu and eating the food. Conway wouldn’t divulge too many details, but she did confirm that the White House is “in talks” with several restaurants to cater the dinner for the senators.

“As you’ve call come to see, the president has the best palette. The most refined tastes. That’s why he always has a plethora of both nuggets and dipping sauces on hand,” Conway said. “So, whether it’s McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King, or Long John Silver’s, Senators Murkowski and Alexander can feel confident knowing they’re going to be fed the best greasy slop this great country of ours has to offer. And frankly, it’s not like cowardly pieces of shit really deserve gourmet meals, right?”

Sen. Murkowski issued a brief statement thanking the president for her medal, and putting in a request for there to be extra Sweet and Sour sauce for her chicken nuggets. Sen. Alexander was seen leaving the Senate chamber during a break in the impeachment trial. Alexander agreed to address the medal with reporters for a few brief moments.

“I’d love to be able to turn that medal down. Because, you know, I don’t think I’m really worthy of any award, because I know how I’ve acted is egregious. I’ve acted improperly,” Alexander said, “but the flipside is that I’m absolutely unwilling to hold anyone accountable. Not the president. Not me…not anyone, really. Well, maybe a black Democrat president. Or a female Democrat president. Or, okay, pretty much any Democrat. But other than that, forget about it.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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