WASHINGTON, D.C. — A crate full of brand new suit pants, sweatpants, and dungarees has been rush delivered to the White House this morning, after Sen. Chuck Schumer emailed Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and let him know the Democrats were willing to acquiesce to Hunter Biden testifying in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump. Schumer’s offer, however, came with strings firmly attached.
“Leader McConnell,” Schumer wrote, “at this point in time, after several discussions among the entire Congressional Democratic body, we have decided to call your bluff. We’ll do a one-for-one witness swap with the Republicans. You call Hunter Biden. We’ll call John Bolton. That sound fair? If so, please respond ASAP and let us know, so we may begin drafting questions for Mr. Bolton to answer. We look forward to a quick response from you, Leader McConnell.”
Reportedly, Mr. McConnell immediately transmitted the letter to the White House. Within moments, sources say, the Oval Office was filled with a horrible smell. One witness described the odor as a “putrid, fetid, decaying corpse,” another said it smelled like a “six day old, half-digested Big Mac” throughout the White House. At any rate, within an hour of receiving the letter, an order had been placed on Amazon to have an entire crate of Trump-sized pants delivered as quickly as the online retail giant is capable.
“There’s nothing to see here, folks, it’s a lot of fake news,” White House Senior Crypt Keeping Adviser Kellyanne Conway told the press on the White House lawn. “The president’s just had a series of, shall we say, accidents, that have necessitated a new crate of pants be delivered. “The president is certainly NOT crying and shitting his pants non-stop. Anyone who tells you that is lying to you.”
Just then, a pair of pants flew out of a window on the second floor of the White House. It helicoptered a bit as it fell from the window, landing on the lawn. Cleanup crews, fully dressed in hazardous material suits, picked up the pants, which appeared to be full to the brim with chocolate pudding, and dumped them into a giant contractor’s size garbage bag, which was also apparently completely full of other pairs of pants.
“The president isn’t scared,” Conway said later. “I don’t know who told you that. This president is perhaps not only the bravest president of all time, he’s probably the bravest man of all time. I once saw him try to wrestle a potato chip away from Steve Bannon. You tell me who’s braver than that. Who’s braver than a man who dares to get between Bannon and a snack? I daresay no one, and it’s just sad, frankly, excuse me, excuse me. It’s just sad that you all are reporting that he’s up on the residence floor, reading Schumer’s letter and shitting his pants in fear.”
Suddenly, the same White House window opened, and as another pair of soiled trousers flew down onto the lawn, and crews once again picked them up and put them into the trash bag, sobs and cries could be heard coming from inside.
“WHY? HOW THE FUCK DID THEY KNOW TO CALL MY BLUFF,” the screams could be heard over all the other activity, loud, wet farts also in the mix. “I AM COMPLETELY FUCKED IF BOLTON TALKS! I KNEW WE SHOULD’VE SENT HIM ON A STORE RUN TO GET MUSTACHE WAX FROM TIMBUKTU INSTEAD OF FIRING HIM! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!”
Conway started to push reporters off the lawn and away from the White House.
“Okay, that’s all ladies and gentlemen. That’s all for now,” Conway said, increasing the volume of her own voice to drown out the baleful cries and farts bursting forth from within the White House. “Please, also remember, you’re not hearing what you’re hearing. You’re not seeing what you’re seeing. If you report that you saw or heard any of this, you are an enemy of the people, un-American, a traitor, and probably should be hung, drawn, and quartered. GO TRUMP 2020!”