In a joint letter from some of President Donald J. Trump’s offspring and son-in-law, the “sheer and galling level of nepotism” involved in Hunter Biden, son of former Vice President Joe Biden, getting a job at a Ukrainian oil and gas company, is heavily criticized. The letter, sent as an op-ed to various right-wing outlets such as Breitbart, Fox News, The Wall Street Journal, and KKK pamphlets, is a blistering assault on the way “Hunter depended on his daddy’s connections and power” instead of any skills himself, to land the job. Trump’s sons and daughter lambast Hunter for being a “mediocre loser who wouldn’t be anybody or anything” without Vice President Biden’s help.
In the interest of accuracy and fairness, this publication has decided to reprint the letter, cosigned by Jared Kushner and the three eldest Trump progeny, below.
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Dear America, Or Whatever,
Isn’t gross how corrupt the Bidens are? Vice President Joe Biden clearly is the only reason his son Hunter was on the board of Barisma. It’s like Ivanka was telling Jared the other day while they dined at the White House and talked about Middle East policy neither one of us know all that much about, but our President Daddy says we’ll be good enough at to please his rube base, it’s just so gross! The Biden’s nepotism is so gross! It’s so corrupt to get handed a job just because of who your daddy is!
The Biden’s didn’t have the decency to put Hunter in a position, say, where he was traveling all over the world to different countries on official state business, but also coming home with copyrights for his personal businesses, granted by the governments of the same countries he visited! Obviously, our daddy does everything the right way, and always has. So the fact that VP Biden never asked President Daddy for help shows you how arrogant and elitist they are.
On the subject of elitists in this country trying to stick it to we common folk, we were just last week gathered around President Daddy’s golden toilet, in what he calls “the Shituation Room.” And we were all talking about how wrong it is that Hunter Biden’s never had to rely on his own skills, and instead has had everything handed to him. Eric and Donald Jr in particular are offended by the son of a wealthy, well-connected man having everything handed to him. They plan to have the Trump Organization put out a strongly worded memo condemning the Bidens for their over the top, blatant corrupt nepotism. Copies of that memo can be purchased from keepamericawhite.com for $500 each, and a portion of the proceeds will go to the Eric Trump Kids With Cancer Fund to Give Eric Trump More Money.
In the end, each American must decide what kind of people they want running their country. Do they want people who have never had to work a day in their lives, who got everything handed to them, and who aren’t at all in touch with what the common American needs from its government running it? Or do they want Democrats running it? Some call us words like “hypocrites,” but that’s only because we do and did everything we accuse the Bidens of doing. Does that really make us hypocrites, and if so, why don’t we just set all the dictionaries on fire because they sound like tools of the elite, too.
We look forward to you voting your conscience, the way we want you to vote. The way you’re required by law, actually, to vote. If you don’t believe us, just ask President Daddy.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.