WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, during the White House legal counsel’s second day of opening arguments in the impeachment trial of President Donald John Trump, former special prosecutor Kenneth Starr delivered a droll dissertation in impeachment from a historical perspective, and lamented that, in his view, it has become a tool of hyper partisanship. It’s unclear at this time if the world’s irony supply will be able to withstand such an assault on its inventory from a man who literally sought impeachment for a president lying about a personal sexual relationship.
In a truly unforeseen twist, Starr told reporters during a break in the action that he had sought some “counsel and advice” of his own, and he sought that advice from someone familiar with him and familiar with presidential impeachments.
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“Prior to standing before the Chief Justice, the Senate, and the Country to offer my sloppiest of public blowjobs to President Trump,” Starr announced, ” I reached out to Ms. Monica Lewinsky. I asked her for any and all help or insights she might be able to share when it comes to giving a president a blowjob. I knew from our previous time together that if anyone was an expert on the subject, it was Ms. Lewinsky.”
As much as Mr. Starr would have liked to get advice from Lewinsky, however, he said she did not offer any to him. Instead, through her publicist, she rebuffed Starr’s request. However, she also offered him an alternate he could ask for help from instead.
“Her PR group reached out to me and told me to a) fuck off and die and b) suggested that I reach out to someone else,” Starr said. “Ms. Lewinsky felt I might get more relevant help for this particular presidential blowie from the president’s First Lady, but I never ended up hearing from Ivanka before I delivered my remarks.”
Starr said he felt like his remarks “still went over pretty well” despite never getting presidential blowjob advice from either Lewinksy or the president’s daughter. He credited his work on the Clinton impeachment as having given him “enough experience to wing it.” Starr hopes the president was watching and approved of his performance, but said he was monitoring Trump’s tweets closely and would know sooner than later.
“I’m assuming he liked how deliberately I slobbered all over his mushroom cap,” Starr said. “I do regret not wearing a blue dress for this momentous occasion, in hindsight, but I feel like the president will be so happy with having his ego — and his dong — stroked by me, that he won’t be too concerned about what I was wearing.”
Before heading back into the Senate chamber to resume the trial, Starr doubled-down on the assertions he made during his remarks. He feels “without a doubt” that impeaching a president “should be reserved for truly dangerous acts to the republic.” Starr also feels that the case against Trump doesn’t contain any such threats to the nation’s well-being.
“Shouldn’t we encourage our presidents to cheat? After all, if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying,” Starr said. “Maybe that’s just me. I’m an Astros and Patriots fan, so maybe my point of view is different than everybody else’s. Honestly, what’s the harm in a president dragging a foreign country into our elections? Don’t we want the international community’s help in choosing our presidents? What’s wrong with getting a little help, fam? I rest my case.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.