WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald J. Trump added two very high-profile attorneys to his impeachment defense team this week — Ken Starr and Alan Dershowitz.
Most Americans probably remember Starr as the bespectacled special prosecutor who hunted down all the relevant facts about President Bill Clinton’s blowjobs from Monica Lewinsky. Starr’s report was championed by Republicans on the Hill as a full accounting of Clinton’s high crimes and misdemeanors and the basis of their own impeachment efforts against him. Clinton was ultimately acquitted by the Senate, and the same result is highly-anticipated for Trump’s own trial, which is slated to begin in earnest next week.
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Dershowitz has been one of the most famous attorneys of the past forty years, having taken on and represented several high-profile clients. Mr. Dershowitz was one of a handful of expensive, powerful attorneys who helped former NFL superstar OJ Simpson beat charges of first degree murder, despite a literal trail of Simpson’s DNA and the victims’ blood from the scene of the crime to his posh L.A. compound. Dershowitz, who bills himself as “non-partisan,” has been a frequent guest on one of the most neutral networks on air — Fox News — in the Trump era, defending the president against every accusation of abuse of power, obstruction of justice, and the like.
“I called Alan on the phone and asked him if he’d join my defense team for the HOAX SHAM BOB MUELLER 24 MILLION ANGRY DEMOCRAT CROOKED HILLARY SIX TRILLION ILLEGAL MEXICAN VOTE IMPEACHMENT,” Trump shouted over the roar of helicopter blades, “and at first he said he didn’t want to be thrust back into the limelight. I reminded him that no one is better at helping obviously guilty, villainous douchebags beat charges against them, and he said that was flattering but still declined. Then, I hit him with the pledge.”
It was another Dershowitz client that brought him to the impeachment defense team, Trump divulged on the White House lawn. As it turns out, Citizen Trump and Dershowitz both took a solemn oath to a mutual friend, deceased billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. Trump told a stunned press pool that Epstein made everyone he was “close, personal friends and misanthropes with” take the same oath of solidary and loyalty, not just to him and his money and his private sex slave island, but to each other.
“He said it was like the Lord of the Rings, or whatever, and we were all in the fellowship,” Trump divulged, “he said we had to pledge to take care of one another. He called it the Epstein Loyalty Pledge, and we all took it. Alan was one of many lawyers Jeff kept in his close circle, in case he ever needed their services. He said he kept me around after hearing me talk about Ivanka so lovingly. She was 14 at the time. He said he knew right there and then we were two disgusting leches in a pod. I reminded Alan of the oath we took that night on the yacht going out to Epstein’s island, and once he remembered his oath, he was in.”
While Mr. Dershowitz has not announced what the president’s full legal strategy will be, he told reporters outside his home today that he expects Trump to be exonerated, and that he’s quite comfortable representing “someone of the president’s morally vacuous demeanor and character.”
“I’ve been helping rich, entitled assholes beat the rap against them for most of my life. OJ, Jeffrey, and now Donny,” Dershowitz said, “so I’m definitely not reaching too far outside my comfort zone on this one. Besides, me and Don go way, way back. It’s like defending an old golfing buddy, except it’s more like defending an enabling a rich sexual predator buddy. And the simple fact remains that most of the Republican jurors on this particular jury are already on the record, so really I’m just showing up for a paycheck, like I always do, no matter the impact on society at large.”
Starr told W-KKK talk radio’s Chip Chatterly today that he’s “honored and humbled” to be a part of the impeachment defense. Starr said he feels this case will be an “open and shut” one, because House Democrats “failed to clear the most important impeachment hurdle.”
“They didn’t prove Trump got a single, solitary blowjob,” Starr said. “In fact, they’ve proven thanks to the Mueller report the exact opposite; that he loves to give blowies. To Vlad Putin and pretty much every other autocrat whose country is on the short list for another Trump hotel. So without any clear and obvious evidence of a presidential hummer, in the Oval Office, this case is dead on arrival.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.