Friends of alleged actor Vince Vaughn are telling various media outlets this week that they’ve discovered the reason behind one of the biggest mysteries surrounding the “Wedding Crashers” and “Swingers” star.
Reportedly, most people who are close to Mr. Vaughn, or have spent any amount of time with him whatsoever, know that his hands smell like he doesn’t use toilet paper to wipe himself after he defecates. Both people we spoke to, who claim to know Vaughn as both work colleagues and friends, say it’s one of Hollywood’s worst kept secrets that Vaughn has, as one of them put it, “poopy hands.” As one of Vaughn’s longest friends in showbiz, actor Hank Zimbibby told us that he just “always thought Vince was never shown the right way to wipe” without getting feces all over his hands.
“Every time you got close to Vince, you could smell the caca. The poo-poo. Even,” Zimbibby told us, “the caca-poo-poo! We just kind of all figured his mom or dad never showed him the way to wipe his bum-bum when he was done making a boom-boom, much like my parents forbid me from using anything but kindergarten words about going potty. It was something we all thought about having an intervention with Vince over, but as he got more and more famous, and booked more and more gigs, we figured that casting directors and co-stars put up with his crap-smelling hands because they wanted his box office mojo or whatever.”
When Hank saw video footage of Vaughn’s cordial conversation with President Donald Trump and First Lady Wish She Was Ivanka at the college football championship a couple of days ago, he says “it suddenly all made sense.”
“He’s sitting there making polite conversation with the president and his wife,” Hank said, “and all of a sudden he ends the conversation with a handshake. And it suddenly all made sense. It’s not that Vince doesn’t use TP for his bunghole. It’s that he clearly likes to get his hands covered in crap! I had no idea he was so into grabbing poop, but there he was, shaking hands with a walking, talking diarrhea golem. So at some point, you gotta believe what you see with your own two eyes.”
Another friend of Vaughn’s, writer Carol Kissinovich, told us that she wasn’t surprised to find out about Vaughn’s polite conversation with Trump because “everyone knows Vince is a right-leaning libertarian.” She says she was “kind of shocked,” however, when she saw him shake hands with Trump. She too had always just assumed he didn’t like to use toilet paper and instead preferred to wipe the fecal matter from his anus with his bare hands.
“Here I’ve been thinking Vince doesn’t know how to wipe properly,” Carol said, “and really it’s just a case of him not being able to resist squeezing a turd in his hands. Am I pleased that a friend of mine is a fecalpheliac? Of course not. But it certainly does explain quite a lot over the years.”
This morning, President Trump was spotted by the press pool leaving the Oval Office to get a diet cola from the kitchen. He was stopped and asked about his conversation with Vaughn at the game. Trump said he had a “lovely conversation with Vince,” and claimed the “Anchorman” actor offered to help the Trump 2020 re-election campaign.
“It was a very fine conversation we had. very fine,” Trump divulged, “and Vince said he’d love to help me win again this year. He said he’d personally fly to every campaign rally and tell everyone I’m so money. He did. He said it. I heard him, Not Ivanka heard him. So if he tries to deny it, just remember that me, your old pal Truthteller McGee, Capt. Never-Lies, your favorite president of all time, told you that he said it, and then attack him like an angry mob if he tries to get out of it.”
Trump farted profusely as he walked away from the reporters and into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, he removed two 2-liter bottles of diet soda, opened them both, and then proceeded to guzzle them down, one after the other. The force of his breathing as he slugged the soda made him fart even more, loudly. The president expressed dismay that Sarah Huckabee was no longer there to accept blame for his flatulence.
Representatives for Mr. Vaughn did not respond to requests for comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.