WASHINGTON, D.C. — Future third party presidential candidate Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-UpHerOwnAss) took yet another somewhat inexplicable stance on the House floor yesterday. In an unforeseen development, Rep. Gabbard voted “present” on a bill whose sole purpose was to officially condemn and rebuke rectal warts.
“I refuse to play partisan politics and a zero sum game with anyone,” Gabbard would tell reporters a few hours after her head-scratching vote. “The country is just too divided on the issue of rectal warts. Some people hate them, and other people have them. I simply could not, in good conscience, take a side.”
The Rectal Warts are Painful and Gross Act of 2019 would have simply put an official “thumbs down” on the record against the anal scourge. Unsurprisingly, many Republicans in the House wound up voting against the bill. Congressman Gym Jordan of Ohio lambasted it as “just more big government overreach” and said he was standing up in favor of rectal warts due to what he called the Democrats “sham process”
“Over the last couple years, it’s true, I’ve gotten quite accustomed to defending buttholes and butthole-related things,” Jordan said, “and I’m sorry, but we should not be castigating or casting aspersions on rectal warts while we still don’t know who ordered the Benghazi stand down. So I wish Rep. Gabbard would have just had the guts to vote with us instead, since clearly that’s who she’s pandering to, but I’m glad that she at least didn’t take a stand against rectal warts.”
For Gabbard, she said the decision ultimately to not take a stand one way or the other on rectal warts came down to one thing — campaign contributions.
“What if one day I want to get money for my campaign from a pro-rectal warts faction of American politics,” Gabbard asked reporters. “What if one day rectal warts are in vogue again? Sure, they’re disgusting. Sure, wiping out rectal warts would be a good thing for humanity, but who am I to judge? Who am I, besides an elected official entrusted with the power to help people, am I do anything about anything? I just wanna run for office and get campaign contributions. Everything else is partisan politics, if you ask me.”
Before bidding the reporters goodbye, Gabbard announced there were a few more issues she was preemptively punting on.
“AIDS, cancer, diarrhea, and of course the rare but exceedingly painful and deadly AIDS-cancer-diarrhea,” Gabbard said. “I’m sorry, but there are good arguments on both sides of all of those things. We’re too polarized right now for me to take a stand against — or for — literally anything. Someone asked me if I wanted toast with my breakfast this morning, and I voted ‘present’ on the toast. Some might call that spineless. Some might call that feckless. I call it politically motivated, so you know, do with that what you will. But I know with my bold, indecisive leadership, I can lead this country into the future…or not. I’m not sure. I’ll let you know if I ever figure it out.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.