WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump paced angrily around the White House lawn, a couple days ahead of the first public impeachment hearings conducted against him by the House Judiciary Committee. Last month, the House Intelligence Committee conducted several closed door depositions and a handful of highly-publicized public hearings, all of which Trump and his surrogates have assailed as being unfair to him.
Trump’s legal team announced over the weekend, despite protests that the proceedings up to this point were not inclusive of the president enough, that they would not be participating in the hearings this week. They had been explicitly invited by Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NJ) to do so, however. Nadler’s committee intends to start their hearings on Wednesday.
As Trump skulked around the White House lawn, waiting for a helicopter to take him to McDonald’s for a breakfast Big Mac before jetting off to Europe for a NATO conference, he lamented the fact that his impeachment seems all but a foregone conclusion at this point. The president admitted that even he doesn’t see a way for his administration to escape the taint and stigma of being just the third administration in the country’s history to be impeached. While his impeachment in the House is nowhere near a promise of removal from office by a Republican dominated Senate, President Trump said he was going to issue an executive order to the House, demanding that they vote on any articles of impeachment against him using the same math that the Electoral College uses.
“Bill Barr told me that if I want to really stop this impeachment thing in its tracks,” Trump explained, “all I have to do is issue an order to the jerks in the House that they have to count votes on the impeachment articles using the Electoral College scale. Billy told me that in his view of presidential powers, I have every right to demand whatever I want from Congress, as long as I wave my sceptre hard and long enough. And you can ask Ivanka, very few people wave their scepters as well as I do; I know that for a fact!”
President Trump explained that because he won solely on the merits of the Electoral College’s machinations, his impeachment process should be held to the same standard. He argued that if votes cast in Iowa are worth five times more than votes cast in California, then votes cast by Iowan congressional representatives should count fives times as much as votes cast by Californian congresspeople. Trump said all his time spent on the golf course as president inspired this new legal strategy.
“In golf, the lower you score, the better you do. And I’ve used that philosophy my whole life,” Trump said. “That’s why I consider the IQ levels of myself and my family to be genius levels. That’s why I talk about my victory in the Electoral College like it was the biggest landslide ever, instead of being the biggest fluke of luck for a loser with a lifetime of utter failure that would have destroyed his career and reputation if his daddy hadn’t been super rich when he was born.”
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Rectum), told reporters he think it’s a “fine and dandy idea” to order the House to follow Electoral College rules when voting on articles of impeachment.
“We’re still talking about a Republican president, right,” Graham confirmed with the press before continuing, “then, yes. Of course I support this completely and totally.”
Congressman and noted goat fucker Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Perineum) lamented that even though he “fully and sycophantically” supports Trump’s order, he doesn’t think it goes quite far enough. Nunes warned that unless Trump permanently dissolves the House of representatives, they might continue their “rampant, abusive attempts to hold the president accountable.” Rep. Nunes said as soon as he gets done suing fictional cows, he plans to help Trump draft the order.
“If you ask me, and I know that only Russians and Trump administration officials ever do ask me, but still, let me keep talking in that stilted, barely literate way that I somehow think makes me sound intellectually astute,” Nunes half-mumbled, half-said aloud, “I think King President Trump should go even further. I say he dissolves the Congress, permanently. Fear will keep the local states in line; we don’t need three branches of government. That’s very wasteful.”
Nunes opined that he worried about Republican senators “spontaneously growing a conscience” once articles of impeachment reached the upper chamber.
“What happens if a few cuck Republican Senators decide they value the country and its institutions more than the GOP,” Nunes asked rhetorically, “or even scarier, more than they value the dear president’s ego? They could convict him, and then we’d be in the horrible position of an abusive, would-be tyrant being removed from office completely constitutionally! That doesn’t sound like America to me, comrades.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.