Several red states are in various stages of implementing sweeping abortion bans aimed squarely at eventually toppling the 1973 landmark Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision that affirmed the right of all women in the country to terminate their pregnancy before the point of medical viability for the fetus, or fetuses. Laws in Alabama, Missouri, Ohio, and Georgia all set the line of legal demarcation back as far as they can, with Alabama’s criminalizing abortion at all stages of pregnancy without an exception for rape or incest. All of the laws are likely unconstitutional by the standard of Roe, however, it’s no secret that socially conservative activists have been waiting for a time when the ideological makeup of the high court is presumed to be strongly enough in their favor that they could challenge that precedent with laws such as the new ones being drafted and signed into law.
With so much attention and focus on abortion and abortion rights these days, it’s no surprise that a scientific research institute would take up the subject, and a team at the Western University of North Montana did exactly that. The researchers did what they called a “deep dive” on abortion, and focused their study of it on one key element — how many of the abortions performed in this country are none of your fucking business.
As it turns out, WUNM researchers found the answer to that question to be, “Literally all of them.” According to Dr. Willamina S. Maychee, the scientist who led the study, a full 100% of the abortions performed in America are none of anyone’s business except the woman who chose to have the abortion and her doctor. The results, Dr. Maychee says, are “conclusive as fuck.”
“In every abortion procedure we researched, we found they don’t impact you, your mother, your priest, your brother, your husband, your congressional representative, your senator, and indeed, even your president, unless you happen to be the one having the abortion, and is therefore by the longstanding definition of the term,’None of your fucking business,'” Dr. Maychee told reporters a press conference announcing the results of the study.
Maychee says that her study is actually just reconfirming the results of studies conducted years ago.
“The thing is, we’ve known for at least 50 years that abortions are private choices made between a woman and her doctor, but some people in this country get really confused with what’s a fact and what’s a feeling,” Dr. Maychee said. “And of course they’re usually the ones screaming, ‘Fuck your feelings’ at everyone, so that only causes more confusion. I’m glad we could end some of that confusion.”
Dr. Maychee says she’s “astounded” by the results because so few things she researches ever get proven quite so conclusively.
“We’re talking conclusive results with 0% margin of error. That literally never happens except in the instance of how many abortions are of any concern to you,” Dr. Maychee said. “Unless, again to reiterate, you’re the one electing to have an abortion. Then, that is the only abortion you’re allowed to have a say in. You can’t force someone to have or not have an abortion if they want. I know that sounds crazy, but we also confirmed that constitutional precedent and the right to privacy are still things in this country for now, so it all checks out.”
Reporters asked Dr. Maychee if there are ever any scenarios where an abortion would be someone’s business.
“Is the person in question also the pregnant woman having an abortion,” Maychee asked rhetorically, “then, no. It’s never any of your fucking business. Not now, not 15 years from now, not 50 years ago. Never. Ever. It’s none of your fucking business.”
WUNM’s research also conducted a couple of other studies and Maychee spoke about those results as well.
“We also confirmed that where a transgender person takes a shit is none of your goddamned business,” Maychee said, “and it’s never, ever, ever your business when two adults marry each other, no matter what genitals each of them possess. Oh, also, water is wet, the sky is blue, and Laura Ingraham is a literal diarrhea gollum. But there I go confirming the obvious for you again.”
By the time you finish reading this, it still won’t be any of your fucking business who gets an abortion.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.