WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to the situation are reporting that, prior to his testimony before the House Intelligence Committee’s impeachment hearing this morning, Ambassador Gordon Sondland applied for a bus driver’s license. Those sources are also saying that Sondland passed both a written and and behind-the-wheel test with flying colors.
“It’s always been a dream of mine to drive a big, beautiful bus,” Sondland told reporters during a break in his impeachment testimony today. “So, yes, some time before today I went ahead and took the courses mandated by the Department of Transportation. I then took both a written and a behind-the-wheel test, and I’m very pleased to announce that I passed them both amazingly well!”
Shortly after the press found out Sondland was a licensed bus driver, word broke that he was involved in an accident while driving a bus to the capitol building this morning. Apparently, Mr. Sondland accidently drove his bus over a few people while parking it. D.C. area medical teams responded immediately, and no fatalities are reported.
“Yes, unfortunately, President Trump, Vice President Pence, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, and Rudy ‘9/11’ Giuliani were struck by my bus this morning, repeatedly,” Sondland announced. “I wasn’t sure I had hit them that hard the first time, though, and I wound up backing over them a few more times.”
Ambassador Sondland offered absolutely no apologies for running over the president, vice president, and several key officials with his bus, however.
“Why should I apologize? They didn’t die. I just happened to absolutely, positively flatten them,” Sondland said. “I’ve been told they’re going to be just fine, and I’m just telling you all the truth this morning. I ran them over. Repeatedly. For a couple hours.”
White House doctors have confirmed that early this morning, Sondland “drove a giant bus over President Trump and several others.” The medical team onsite confirmed that, remarkably, there were no physical injuries sustained by any of the men that Sondland managed to get under his bus. However, that doesn’t mean that weren’t any injuries of any kind.
“I can confirm that Ambassador Sondland, newly licensed bus driver, ran right over Trump and others,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux, Chief White House Medical Liaison told reporters. “I can also confirm that the president, vice president, Secretary of State, and former mayor of New York are all physically safe. However, we are running tests to confirm if the injuries sustained to President Trump’s ego are treatable.”
Dr. Hornaydieux warned the public that Sondland didn’t appear to be done driving over the president quite yet.
“The American people should be prepared for the fact that Ambassador Sondland seems prepared to continuously run over President Trump,” Hornaydieux said. “The reason the American public needs to be prepared for this is that the president has an autoimmune disorder that triggers spastic diarrhea fits, however the diarrhea comes out of his mouth and instead of being white hot liquid feces, it’s words containing numerous conspiracy theories, lies, and excuses.”
President Trump told reporters on the White House lawn, after being examined by Dr. Hornaydieux’s staff, that he was “run over by some guy” he “doesn’t even know” and “hasn’t heard of.”
“Gordon who know? Sondland what now? I don’t know the guy,” Trump said. “Only had a few phone calls with him about the corruption thing, which is very important and memorable to me. But I don’t know who this guy is. Really. I thought he was a low level coffee boy or whatever.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.