WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Trump’s Rectum) was given his first opportunity to take part in an impeachment proceeding undertaken by the House Intelligence Committee.
While Jordan was mostly reserved and quiet during the testimony of William Taylor, Acting U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine and Deputy Assistant Secretary of State George Kent. When given an opportunity to speak by one of his colleagues, however, Jordan wasted no time insisting that since the Ukrainian government was unaware that President Trump was attempting to extort them in exchange for a politically-motivated investigation into Joe Biden’s son Hunter. Jordan would later tell reporters his reasoning for that line of questioning.
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“If a man is being robbed by his neighbors, but he has no idea his neighbors are robbing him, do we still prosecute the robber? Adam Schiff would like to think that we still do,” Jordan said when some reporters found him rinsing his mouth with mouthwash, which he’d later explain was to wash the taste of Trump’s groin region out. “But if this is America, then the answer is, obviously, we don’t. Especially if the robber is technically the President of the United States and the robbery is actually an attempt to subvert American foreign policy for political gain. And if you add in the fact that he’s a white Republican president? Hooo boy! You’ve got yourself quite a mess on your hands, if you ask me.”
Jordan insisted that “what really needs to happen” during the impeachment hearings is for Rep. Adam Schiff, Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, to compel Hillary Rodham Clinton to testify about the connection between Benghazi and Trump’s call with the newly elected Ukrainian president.
“Don’t any of you have even the slightest bit of curious inclination to see what’s going on with Hillary Clinton, Benghazi, and this coup by Constitutional authority? I know I do,” Jordan said, “and quite frankly if you don’t have some curiosity about Benghazi’s connection to Trump’s call with Ukraine, I have to wonder if you’re even a red-blooded, ammo hoarding, God fearing, patriotic American white nationalist or not!”
Rep. Jordan threatened to hold his breath until Schiff agrees to force the whistleblower to testify publicly and also compel Ms. Clinton to give yet more testimony to the House Intelligence Committee. Former Secretary of State Clinton faced a marathon grilling session a few years back, when Republicans controlled the House and its committees. Notably, she has given more sworn, public testimony on Benghazi than President Trump gave in even written testimony to Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and more than any of the administration officials the White House has ordered not to comply with the impeachment proceedings.
“We’ve already established that Secretary Clinton is the literal antichrist and that she is also a stone cold, ice her in veins killer,” Jordan said. “What’s really disturbing to me, though, is the idea that we could know all this and Chairman Schiff doesn’t want to call Secretary Clinton just because he says this is an irrelevant distraction! Excuse me, but as a Republican I know a thing or two about irrelevant distractions, and I’d say this much more properly described as ‘political theater’ or ‘obvious partisan knee-jerk defensiveness.’ So, why don’t you all ask Chairman Schiff why he’s being such a jerk about this and not letting us call witnesses!”
Before running off, Jordan also stated that he believes the president is the “victim of a nefarious coup.”
“Of course it’s nefarious. They’re nefariously using the powers the people of the United States gave them in the midterms,” Jordan insisted. “They’re nefariously trying to check and balance our Dear President’s power, and I’m sorry, but I took an oath to defend something or other, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to defend whatever bullcrap they say gives them the right to ensure the president is held accountable!”
Jordan doesn’t think that the path to getting Clinton to testify goes through anyone but former Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter.
“The bottom line is that we need to get Hunter Biden to testify about why Hillary won’t testify about Benghazi and how it related to the president’s call with Ukraine,” Jordan said. “It’s so simple, I don’t know why all the Democrats and their liberal friends in the media can’t see it, but here we are anyhow.”
Senator Lindsey Graham, upon removing his head from the president’s anus and hearing the news of Jordan’s demands, said he “couldn’t agree more” with them.
“I think we should, frankly, dig up James Madison and ask him just who the hell he thinks he is,” Graham said. “This impeachment coup goes all the way back to then! If you ask me, we should probably resurrect Madison and anyone else alive back then who thought it would ever be a good idea to not let the president use the government as his own personal piggy bank and private eye firm. Now if you’ll excuse me, the president’s balls will NOT fluff themselves.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.