Haley: “If You Just Close Your Eyes and Plug Your Ears, You Can Tell Trump is Truthful and Fit for Office”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Former South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is on a book tour, promoting her new memoir of her time in the Donald Trump administration. The book is entitled “With All Due Respect,” and Haley has been doing interviews all over radio and television to push sales.

This morning, Haley was grilled on The Today Show by Savannah Guthrie, not about her book, but about her defense of Trump’s call with the newly elected President of Ukraine. The call is at the very center of the efforts undertaken by House Democrats to impeach Trump, and for the last few weeks Trump’s surrogates and defenders have tried to coalesce around arguments that weren’t just about the Dems’ process, but also about the substance of the call. Many on both sides of the aisle have lambasted the call as an obvious and admitted quid pro quo, despite Trump’s constant protestations to the contrary.

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During her Today interview, Haley made a few attempts to deflect Guthrie’s questioning about the substance of the Ukraine call, which Trump keeps referring to as “perfect.” Haley said that “in his mind” Trump believes that to be the case. Haley also said that in every instance she interacted with him, the man who has told more than 12,000 documented lies since taking office was always truthful with her. Haley also told Guthrie she had no questions about Trump’s fitness for office.

As she was leaving NBC’s New York studios, Haley was approached by reporters and asked if she could answer some more questions. Haley said as long as she could hold up a copy of her book while she spoke, she’d be more than happy to answer some questions. The subject of Trump’s fitness and truthfulness came up again, and Haley once again defended the former D-list reality TV star turned D-list president.

“I don’t understand why more of you don’t believe me. It’s really very simple. Donald Trump always tells the truth and is completely fit for office,” Haley insisted upon further questioning. “Everyone can judge for themselves, too. They don’t need the media pushing some narrative.”

Haley flashed her book to the cameras and reminded everyone that it’s on sale now. Haley served as the U.N. ambassador for the Trump administration, leaving earlier this year. She says that during her tenure, she “discovered a trick” that let her figure out if Trump was truthful and fit for office, and she suggested that every American learn her trick and employ it.

“If you just close your eyes and plug your ears, you can tell Trump is Truthful and fit for office,” Haley said. “See? Like this.”

That’s when Haley demonstrated her technique. She stuffed both of her index fingers in either of her ears and she closed her eyes as tightly as she could. Haley explained that some might be tempted to shout “LA LA LA” as well, but she warned that move is “only for certain circumstances.”

“You really should save the ‘la la la’ for when you’re being giving evidence of the president’s gross malfeasance and manifest corruption,” Haley said. “Blocking out the media’s attacks on our Dear President by using his own words is shameful. But you need to be able to hear some of the stuff that comes out of his mouth, so you shouldn’t try to drown him out, just muffle what he’s saying enough to where you feel comfortable with what he’s saying.”

President Trump would later be found pacing around the White House lawn, waiting a helicopter ride to Burger King. He agreed to shout at reporters while he waited, and to accuse some of them of being enemies of the people. Trump was asked about Haley’s Today interview as well as her remarks afterward.

“Well, I was just telling Abe Lincoln, when we were on the phone with the Loch Ness Monster how much I love Nikki,” Trump explained. “Then Jesus Christ — close, personal friend of mine — came on the horn with Buddha and the guy who invented time travel, they all agreed with me. So I see what she’s saying about how truthful I am. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my Whopper and then come back here and nuke California for being so mean and rude to me.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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