SECRET COMMUNIST SHARIA BUNKER, KENYA — Former President Barack Hussein Obama has, for the most part, not weighed in on American politics since leaving office in January 2017.
Despite the fact that the man who succeeded him has shown no compunction about insulting him and legacy throughout his own tenure in the Oval Office, Obama has generally not gotten involved. Mr. Obama handed over the reins of the presidency to a man who had been one of his biggest public trolls; a man who spent the better part of a decade implying that he wasn’t born in America and therefore was an illegitimately elected leader of the free world. No matter how much he’s accused of spying on President Donald Trump’s campaign, and no matter how often Trump attacks Obama’s legacy, the first African-American president has stayed fairly reticent.
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This morning, Mr. Obama published a list of all the states in which he is legally barred from operating a non-profit charity.
“To whom it may concern,” Obama wrote in a letter preceding the list of states he’s not legally allowed to run charities in, “It’s come to my attention, and the attention of the entire Alinksy-Soros Cabal, that a certain tangerine totalitarian has been barred from operating charities in his own home state. Rather, in his former home state, since he’s since relocated to the state that it makes the most sense for he and his grifter loser family to live in. They all act like dicks, so it only makes sense they’d move their base of operations to the state that looks most like a droopy dick, flopping off the continent.”
Obama’s letter states that he’s “not usually one to pile-on” when someone’s having a rough go at things, but that “some douchebags are so douche-baggy you can’t help but troll them right back.”
“I didn’t want the current occupant of the White House, the orange-tinted diarrhea golem in an ill-fitting suit, to feel so bad about being told he’s such a dirty, untrustworthy scumbucket that he’s not legally allowed to do charity work anymore,” Obama wrote, “and so I’m attaching to my long form, Kenyan birth certificate, a list of all the states that won’t let me own and operate a charity within their boundaries.”
Stapled to Obama’s letter was indeed a longform Kenyan birth certificate. Flipping it over, however, revealed nothing but an empty white space. Down in the bottom-right corner, in small print, was a simple message.
“LOL @ u,” the message reads.
Reportedly, the president is quite irate at this fresh insult. Sources within the White House are telling reporters that Trump has been on the Kushner Back Channel with Russian President Vladimir Putin and they’ve conferenced in Attorney General William Barr as well as Trump’s personal attorney, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
“The president is convening his most trusted advisers, and trying to ascertain if Russia would be interested in helping him exact revenge on Obama,” White House adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters in the White House driveway just moments ago. “Maybe we’ll do a quid pro quo with Kenya. Maybe we’ll bomb Chicago. We don’t know yet. Lots of interesting discussions being had, that’s all.”
Obama’s letter promises to release another list next week.
“We’re currently compiling a list of all the members of my campaigns and administrations that have spent time in prison for breaking federal laws,” Obama wrote, “and as soon as we compile that list with the list of my attorneys that were sent to prison, we’ll be releasing the full list, some time next week. We expect it to be just as exhaustive as this list is, and we hope everyone takes the time to read both the lists thoroughly. Oh, and we’re still coming for your guns and religious freedom. OOGA BOOGA, my fellow Americans!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.