Mark Zuckerberg Probably Won’t Mind Us Publishing That He Fucks Sheep on Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg, founder and CEO of Facebook, enjoys fucking sheep. At least we’re pretty sure he does. Well, let’s just say we’re sure enough to publish it. Once it’s published, we’ll share it on Mark’s very own social media website, and hopefully it gets shared many thousands of times. We feel it’s very important for every Facebook user to know this fact, that Mark Zuckerberg fucks sheep. And let us be clear — we’re not calling this a “fact.” We’re doing quite the opposite.

We’re just going to publish that he likes fucking sheep on his social media platform, without any evidence to back our claim up whatsoever. But why would we do this?

Because, for starters, Zuckerberg himself just won’t care. He doesn’t care about outright lies and misinformation on his platform. He particularly doesn’t care about disinformation in political speech. And since our website has the word Political in it, Mark can’t really get mad about us publishing our theory that he fucks sheep on his site, right? So, remember everyone reading this — Mark Zuckerberg fucks sheep. Maybe. Maybe he doesn’t. Who knows? Well, we know, but again, political misinformation ain’t no thang to Mr. Z, so let’s dive into this topic just a bit more.

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Does Zuck like to bone sheep so much that he gets a hard-on whenever he wears a wool sweater? Is Mark so down to fuck sheep that he calls himself a “very baaaaaaaaa-d boy” while he’s pumping them full of his robotic jizz? Who’s to say? Who’s to really say if he even likes fucking sheep? Sure, we know he MIGHT not be, but to reiterate, let us not forget that misinformation in political content doesn’t bother Mark Zuckerberg at all, so why not assume he does, in fact, like to fuck sheep.

Personally, we have a theory that Facebook’s engine itself runs on the electricity produced by the pelvic thrusts of Zuckerberg fucking a sheep, or many sheep. Is Mark Zuckerberg a flock fucker? Who cares? It’s on Facebook and is political content, so he won’t stop us from sharing it, obviously!

Did Mark discover his taste for sheep ass in college? Was it after he created Facebook, or before? Just when, exactly, did it become clear to Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, that he enjoys fucking sheep? We may never know, but the awesome part is that we can publish all our unfounded conspiracy theory bullshit about it on his website, and he just won’t care.

In fact, we just realized that Zuckerberg’s sheep fucking is the cause of global warming. It’s also behind 9/11 and Benghazi! And did you know Mark was fucking a sheep the night Abe Lincoln, HONEST ABE, was killed? Would Abe be alive today if Zuckerberg hadn’t been such a proud and devout sheep fucker?

We all know the answer to that one, don’t we?

If Mr. Zuckerberg doesn’t care that a president is buying ads on his platform that contain known falsehoods, and is not willing to pull or deny those ads, we can’t imagine that he’d care too much about political misinformation about his proclivity for sheep fucking. It was with that principle in mind that we decided to publish this article. The public simply must know that Mark Zuckerberg fucks sheep. Or at least that he doesn’t care about truth on his platform, and therefore won’t care that we’re going to try to spread this story as far as our social media tentacles can. You know, in the interest of serving the public good.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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