WASHINGTON, D.C. — While in line at the deli just down the street from the White House this afternoon, President Donald J. Trump told reporters that if he wins re-election in the fall, he plans to build more than one wall and have someone else pay for it.
Trump famously made the construction of a new, gigantic wall between the United States and Mexico a cornerstone of his presidential campaign and he told reporters in the deli he’s ready to “double-the-frig-down” on it. Mr. Trump has often told the American public that the southern border with Mexico is seeing wall construction, despite there being quite a bit of disagreement over whether what’s being done should be called new construction, or is simply retrofitting and repairs being doing to existing parts of a wall.
The president sidestepped those kinds of questions while in line at the deli, however, and said that he plans to have a second wall commissioned, which he says taxpayers will not have to foot the bill for.
“Not only are we going to have the biggest wall, the best wall ever, built between us and Mexico,” Trump told the press as he ordered a pastrami sandwich on rye with extra pickles and a ginger ale, “we’re going to double-the-frig-down on it and also build a wall between us and Islam.”
The reporters looked at Trump skeptically. The president walked away from the cashier without having actually paid for his sandwich and soda, telling the deli employee he’d have Israel pay for his sandwich because “you know, I’m having one like they like.” Mr. Trump seemed to pick up on the media’s dubiousness, he addressed it.
“It’s not that hard. We build a wall between us and that Islam country,” Trump said, “and I bet a lot of other countries will thank us. They’ll probably offer to pay for the damn thing. I mean, we keep all those Muslim immigrants back home in Islam, and I bet we end terrorism right-the-frig there!”
When asked who would pay for such a wall, Trump scoffed.
“ISIS, of course, duh,” Mr. Trump sneered.
President Trump added that “if Mexico can be forced to pay for our Mexico wall, then ISIS can be forced to pay for the wall between us and Islam.”
“This isn’t that hard a concept, guys,” Trump said, devouring his sandwich in one, massive bite. “Get with the friggin’ program for frig’s sake!”
Sarcastic reporters asked Trump if he’d try to negotiate with Islam first, or if military options were on the table should they refuse to have the wall erected on their borders. Mr. Trump didn’t miss a beat. Handing his sandwich to his daughter, Trump answered the question definitively.
“To be honest, I don’t even know who the prime menstruator or president of Islam is,” Trump said, “and my senior foreign policy adviser says he’s having a hard time even finding the country on a map. But make no mistake. When we find Islam, we will enter into tough — but fair — negotiations with them, and yes, if they refuse to build the wall there will be stiff consequences. Probably a nuke. Oh who am I kidding? Definitely a nuke.”
Someone leaned in and told the president that there is no country called “Islam.” Trump laughed so hard he farted so hard a little tiny Sarah Huckabee Sanders came out. An aide quickly wiped Dear President and he addressed the comment.
“Oh there’s no country called Islam huh? I call that FAKE NEWS,” Trump shouted. “If there’s no country called Islam why does Fox News keep trying to scare me about the Nation of Islam, huh?”
Prior to being elected president, Donald Trump had no experience holding any elected position in any level of government local, state, federal, or otherwise.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”