Self-Loathing, Blind, and Deaf Woman Explains Why She’s Still Voting for Donald Trump

GREENBELT, MINNESOTA — Helen Whipplemyer is still voting for Donald J. Trump next November, provided he is the Republican nominee. As the Republican National Committee has begun canceling primaries and not scheduling debates, there is every indication Trump will do just that.  Whipplemyer says she cannot wait to cast her ballot for the former reality-TV star and alleged billionaire man of the people next fall.

“I just think he’s the right guy for us,” Whipplemyer told our reporter, “and I think it’s important that other women like me speak out. He gets a bad reputation in the lamestream media for how he allegedly treats women, but that seems like a lot of dumb bitches saying dumb bitch stuff like the dumb bitches they are.”

Then, after a long pause, Helen continued.

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“Of course, I literally can’t hear or see anything, being blind and deaf and all,” Whipplemeyer explained, “but you know what I mean.”

Helen was asked if she thinks that someone brags about grabbing women “by the pussy” is a good role model for young boys. Helen was asked if she thinks the many women who have accused President Trump of sexual misconduct and/or assault should have their cases heard in public.  Ms. Whipplemyer was asked if she thought that a serial philanderer and a man who is on the public record several times in his life making disparaging and sexist remarks about women deserves her vote, or any woman’s vote.

Helen tried to pretend to have a stroke to get out of answering the question, but then answered when realized no one in the room believed she was actually having a stroke.

“Well, as a woman who hates myself and has an extremely low sense of self worth,” Whipplemyer posited, “most definitely I think women should vote for him. Of course, as long as they too are completely self-loathing and can’t see or hear anything he does or says.”

She thinks a woman voting for Trump would find “plenty of company” among other people who are “brave enough to vote their principles no matter how dumb their principles are.”

“I mean, it’s no different than a gay voting for him, or a black, or one of those Mexican speaking ones,” Helen told us. “Sure, it doesn’t make sense when you listen to what he says, but thankfully I can’t, and a lot of women who aren’t deaf like me just simply choose to pretend they are when he speaks.”

Being on disability, Helen says she’s had plenty of time to work for the Trump campaign in 2016, sending fundraising emails and working on social media channels to “spin positive chatter about Trump” where ever she can. She fully intends to volunteer for Trump’s re-election effort.

“A lot of people will respond to my emails and tell me about one thing Trump has said about women or another,” Whipplemyer related to our reporter, “but what I always tell them is that sometimes you have to turn a blind eye to reality to win elections. And we all know that winning elections is far more important than principles…especially when those principles dictate we have to treat people like humans just even if they’re different from us. I love Trump because he gives us permission to be crazy, paranoid, delusional bigots and pretend it’s everyone else that’s kooky.”

Ultimately, Whipplemyer told us, having been a female and Republican for 30 years has already “preconditioned” her to hold her nose and pulling the lever for anyone as long as “they had that R by their name” anyway, and this year is not that much different.

“Look, I happen to hate myself for being a woman,” Whipplemyer said, “and I also happen to not be able to literally hear or see Donald Trump’s speeches and rhetoric. But even if I were fully sighted and could hear, do you think I’d be different than any number of Republican women who will simply toe the party line because that’s what they’re trained to do? Of course not.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

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