WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing what he called “extremely fart-tudinous circumstantials,” President Donald Trump told the media today he was strongly considering former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin for an important position within his administration.
This week, National Security Adviser John Bolton left the Trump administration. Typical to how things have generally run in the Trump Era, there is some debate over the circumstances of Bolton’s departure. President Trump claimed on Twitter that he asked for Bolton’s resignation, while the lifetime warhawk Bolton claims he offered his resignation. The impetus of the fallout? Bolton’s strong disagreement with Trump that Al Qaeda representatives be brought to Camp David for a summit on the Afghanistan War during the week of 9/11’s anniversary.
Ultimately, the summit was called off, but in the end, Bolton was still ousted. Another national headline gave Trump reason to consider someone to replace Bolton that he’d not thought of before. Believing that she’d be “too busy being a wife and mom and grand-dummy” to work in his administration, Trump says he never thought to ask Palin to come onboard until he heard the news that her husband Todd had filed for divorce after more than 30 years of marriage.
“I was sad for Sarah, of course. 30 years is a long time. It’s longer than I prefer my wives to have been living, frankly,” Trump said, shooting a sideways glance at Kind of First Lady Melania, who put her right hand in her pocket and flipped Trump off in secret. “But still, when I close a door, sometimes I also tell God to open one up for you. That’s how kind I am. Really the very kindest and bestest president of all time. Well that’s very nice of you to say! Why thank you, Mr. President! You’re welcome Mr. President.”
Aides were able to just barely stop the president from pulling out his penis and shoving it into his mouth.
“The point is, she’s single, I’m ready to mingle, and we have an opening for her,” Trump said. “But we have to change the title of the position a little bit. Tweak it. You know, like I tweak Ivanka’s nips? Anyway, what am I saying? Who knows! Don’t pay attention to that part! Pay attention to this part — Sarah would be our new National Insecurity Adviser.”
Mr. Trump says the title change would be necessary because “even though Sarah is smokin’ hot with a bitchin’ turd cutter and amazing fun bags,” she’s also “somehow dumber” than Trump is himself. He said he wants to have Palin around as “eye candy,” but that getting her involved in foreign affairs is “iffy, at best.”
“Frankly, even though she can see Russia from her house, and I consider that a bigly asset, she’d be much better at making us all less secure,” President Trump explained, “so it just makes sense to call her the Insecurity Adviser, if you ask me. Which you didn’t ask me, because you’re members of the ANGRY DEMOCRAT ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE CROOKED HILLARY BENGHAZI BIRTH CERTIFICATE PRESS. But, well, I’m president and you’re not, so by law you have to pay attention to me. It’s in the Bible, even. The country’s Bible. They call it a Constitution, which is weird because I’ve never seen it in the stars at night, but hey, I’m not a space nerd, so who knows?”
Reportedly, Ms. Palin is seriously considering Trump’s offer, however she has some provisos of her own.
“They’re going to have to flatten every globe in my office,” Palin told the press. “I don’t believe in this elitist liberal hoax of a round globe. That sounds like a bunch of mom jeans wearin’ fake news to me! Also, and I cannot stress this enough, people need to pay almost as much attention to me as they do Don. In fact, prolly more. In fact, no, definitely more.”
The president, hearing Palin’s requests, has apparently begun to change his mind.
“She’s crazy and stupid, and God knows I love crazy and stupid. I wouldn’t be in the Oval Office without crazy and stupid,” Trump reportedly told aides, “but taking away my attention? Uh. Hell no. That will never fly. I have to rethink this. Still like her hot dumper, so it’s probably still on, but I have to think. So please excuse me, folks, it’s Executive Time.”
President Trump was last spotted headed into the bathroom with his phone. His Twitter account has retweeted sixteen different white supremacist memes since he went in there. There is no word on when he plans to leave or stop tweeting.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”