Chrissy Teigen and The DNC Just Unveiled a New 2020 Slogan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic National Committee has unveiled a new slogan for the 2020 presidential campaign. The new slogan was rolled out in a fundraising email sent on the party’s behalf. According to the email, no matter which of 23,000 remaining candidates secure the nomination, each one will have campaign merchandise emblazoned with the slogan. According to several sources, DNC execs hope the slogan will galvanize the president’s critics and also serve as a pithy reminder of his character, referencing the infamous Access Hollywood tapes.

The slogan comes courtesy of the latest Twitter tiff the president finds himself embroiled in. This time, the most powerful man in the free world is locked in a bitter war of words with two entertainers — composer John Legend and his wife, model and actress Chrissy Teigen. In a late night tweet rant, Trump attacked Teigen and Legend, who he felt disrespected him while discussing criminal justice reform. Trump considers the criminal justice bill he signed earlier this year to be a key piece of legislation, but apparently took umbrage to the fact that Legend didn’t thank him for signing it. Ms. Teigen, who didn’t say anything in the TV show, was attacked as having a “filthy” mouth by the man who was famous for using “locker room talk” about women.

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Teigen wasted no time brutalizing Trump to her 11 million Twitter followers. Teigen called Mr. Trump a “pussy ass bitch” for not directly tagging her. The DNC liked that turn of phrase, and decided to combine it with a now infamous utterance of Trump’s.

“Grab ’em by the pussy ass bitch president.”

Reportedly, the DNC reached out to Teigen and asked if they could use her words as their slogan. Ms. Teigen agreed, Shershin said.

DNC deputy media contact Cheryl Shershin told reporters the Democratic Party is “excited to fundraise with this catchy slogan” for the next couple weeks at least. It’s unclear what kind of shelf-life the slogan will have, but Shershin says there will be plenty of time to revive it. Ms. Shershin says the slogan is meant to inspire Trump’s detractors to come together and, metaphorically speaking, grab the Republican Party’s president and “toss him out of office.”

“Of course it’s a metaphor, and not a threat,” Shershin said, “because for starters, we know you can’t threaten a sitting president with violence. But also, it’s a metaphor because you need a crane to pick that tubby sack of stupid up, and none of us want to bother securing a crane. Still, and I cannot reiterate this enough, he’s an idiot, and Ms. Teigen was also completely correct in her assessment of his pussy ass bitchocity. According to our research, he’s the pussiest assed bitch to ever occupy the Oval Office, and by all accounts, James Polk was a pretty big pussy ass.”

Reached for comment, the White House said the president is “outraged” by the new slogan and is “leaving all options, even military ones on the table” in planning his response.

“Let’s just say John Bolton’s already drafted the plans to invade California,” one source close to the situation told us, “so at this point, all bets are off.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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