WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States released new photos of his wedding with First Lady Melania Trump this morning. The president said he’d found the images “just totally randomly” while looking at a hard drive full of old pictures.
“And I decided I’d share these photos with you all, so that you can get a better glimpse at the personal life of your favorite president, by law and my decree,” Trump shouted at reporters as he got ready to board Marine One en route to the airport where Air Force One would take him to one of his golf clubs. “As you all know this is a rare thing, because I’m normally so quiet, so reserved, and so unwilling to seek any attention whatsoever. Isn’t the right, lackeys?!”
Trump pointed to some of his cabinet and senior officials. They all answered in unison.
“Yes, Mr. President. Yes.”
Mr. Trump continued.
“These are some of my favorite photos of my very hot wife and I together,” Trump announced. “So I’m ex-specially-y proud to show them to you. I don’t know why we didn’t make them public before, frankly, because they are just dynamite photos! Aren’t they, lackeys?”
Trump again pointed to the same group of allegedly human adults.
“Yes, Mr. President. Yes.”
President Trump smiled a satisfactory smile.
“You know what I love? That I’m not a liar and that you can trust everything I say,” Trump said out of nowhere. “I was just talking to my good friend David Dennison, and we did a three-way call with the President of Texas. All of us agreed that I’m probably the most trustworthy person in the history of people, president or not.”
After showing off his newly found wedding photos, Trump took the time to show the press pool a few other photos from his life.
“Here’s a picture of me clearly helping Charles Lindbergh fly across the Atlantic,” Trump said, pointing to a picture that looked like someone had drawn a crude, fat, stick figure with very small hands, “So I don’t know why he kept saying he was solo when I was with him. And of course everyone remembers this famous picture of me kissing a woman in my sailor outfit right after World War II ended. What a great day that was.”
All told, Trump showed the media no less than 52 different photos of him in different situations throughout his life. All of them were highlighted with black ink. He kept coming back to the wedding photos of himself with Melania, though.
“I gotta say though, isn’t Melania just absolutely smokin’ in these pictures? I honestly don’t know that I’ve seen a photo of her looking hotter than she does in these photos,” Trump said.
Just then, First Lady Melania Trump entered the room. She stared at Trump for a good five minutes, not saying anything. The room was very still and very quiet. Mrs. Trump exited without saying a word.
“Anyone know who that was, and how she got in here? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need some quiet alone time with these pictures of Ivank-Melania,” Trump said, catching himself. “Don’t put that last part in there, enemies of the people, or I’ll hereby order you to stop, and then you’re like, in totally deep trouble, okay?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”