ANABOLIC VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — In 2014, former reality-TV host and alleged comedian Joe Rogan was bestowed the title of “Intellectual Titan” by the International Order of Super Smart People Who Know Stuff. The title is much more than just ceremonial. It culminates a lifelong dedication on Rogan’s part to be the most high-minded, philosophically sound public figure, perhaps of all time. Few can argue the value that Rogan’s podcast brings not just to the people to listen to it, but perhaps to the entire world, if not the entire known and unknown universe.
Recently, Mr. Rogan pulled of a feat that someone without his titanic intellect could accomplish — he made Nazis seem fun.
Mr. Rogan had on his show a member of the American Nazi Party who supports Donald Trump’s re-election bid. As is often his custom with guests on his show, Rogan partook of cannabis with the Nazi. As the pair smoked an herbal jazz cigarette, or “joint” as they’re commonly known to the kids, they laughed and found things in common.
“Oh man, I’m so high right now, and I gotta say,” Rogan told American Nazi Party Junior Chancellor Matthew Palumbo on his show yesterday, “you’re a lot of fun, bro! Those crazy left-wing libtards have really sold you Nazis short. White nationalism doesn’t sound so bad, actually! It’s just, like, probably the politically correct left that’s overreacting! Yeah! I bet that’s it! They’re always talking about how terrible you are, but this conversation has been so fun, hasn’t it?!”
Palumbo, the Nazi, laughed so hard he peed his pants.
“Oh my God! You peed your pants, bro! That’s fucking hilarious,” Rogan said, “but I bet you probably want to turn America into a white ethnostate by any means necessary, huh?”
Mr. Matthew Palumbo, American Nazi, agreed, though he said that he always feels that way, high on marijuana or not.
“Yeah, but, like the weed is making this conversation more better, isn’t it,” Rogan said. “Hey, remember when I was just an actor on Newsradio and I was lucky to be working with true comedy legends like Phil Hartman and Dave Foley? Anyway, let’s get back to where I give you a platform for your terrible ideology but while smoking weed and normalizing your dangerous thoughts, cool?”
Matthew Palumbo, American Nazi, agreed that they should get back to smoking pot, “like the blacks and Mexican browns do.”
“Ha ha ha! That would be super offensive to me if I wasn’t so hilariously high right now, bro,” Rogan said, stuffing anabolic steroids into his mouth and washing them down with an imullsion of horny goat weed and Monster Energy drinks, “Hey, do you have any thoughts on pop music or something unrelated to your inhumane desire to murder people who think differently than you do, mostly because they’re not white?”
The two discussed music for a few minutes. Rogan laughed and smoked pot the entire time, as did the American Nazi, Matthew Palumbo.
“Okay, bro, we gotta end this episode now, because I’m double booked,” Rogan said. “We’ve got Andy Ngo coming in next, and he’s going to tell us all about the violence he instigated and then selectively edited to look like AntiFa started it all. Thanks for a truly thrilling interview, where we learned a lot and I hope built a few conversational bridges. Because that’s what this is all about, man, communication between decent human beings and human feces that normal people avoid, much less give a huge audience and platform to.”
*Editor’s note: There are many Matthew Palumbos in the world. Maybe this story’s about one you know. Maybe it’s not. It’s possible we may never know.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”