News of Planned Parenthood Refusing Federal Funding Sparks Impromptu Spank-Off Between Pence, Santorum

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice-President Mike Pence and failed presidential candidate, former Senator Rick Santorum are reportedly locked eye to eye in what’s being billed as an “impromptu spank-off,” after both men received news that Planned Parenthood would be refusing federal funding rather than accept new restrictions on abortion services from the Trump administration. Reportedly, the thought of inching America closer to a religious theocratic state, where women were relegated to becoming, essentially, breeding cows, was too much for Santorum and Pence to resist touching themselves.

“It’s well known, established fact that nothing turns Vice President Pence on quite like the thought of forcing women into sex slavery,” one source close to the situation said, “which of course is extra ironic given how very little vaginae actually do for him, sexually speaking.”

Santorum is also a devout, anti-abortion born-again Christian, and he just happened to be in Pence’s office when news broke about Planned Parenthood exiting the federal Title X program. The move will cost Planned Parenthood roughly $60 million in federal funding, which it hopes to make up for in private donations.

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“Hey, if someone’s looking to make a donation to Planned Parenthood in the vice-president’s name,” once Planned Parenthood employee told us, “now would be quite an epic time to do so.”

Upon hearing the news that perhaps fewer women would have access to the vital healthcare services that Planned Parenthood provides, Pence and Santorum repeatedly began jumping up and down excitedly. The two white Christian men embraced. They shared an ever so brief but real, genuine kiss on the lips, and then, without uttering another word, they both stripped off their pants and began furiously masturbating.

“This is…so…golly-gosh-darn-heck…amazing,” Pence stuttered as he whacked it, “I can’t believe…it’s happening, Rick! I’m gonna beat you Rick! I’m way more excited about this than you are!”

Santorum heavily disagreed.

“I heavily disagree, Mike,” Santorum said, eyes still locked with his competitor’s, “I think I’ve got the stamina for this fight. I’ve been pushing to take away women’s control of their own bodies for a long, long, long…ooh that feels amazing…time!”

It’s unclear at the time of publication just how long the spank-off will last. Both men are said to be “in it to win it,” as one aide told us.

“They could be there for hours, if we don’t break it up,” an aide said, “and, um, I know for a fact I’m not gonna break it up. Eeew.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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