SCHVANTZ LAKE, MINNESOTA — A research study conducted by the University of East Minnesota has confirmed that, as had long been suspected within the scientific community, the top risk factor associated with being forced to look at unbidden penis is being female.
“What we’ve found is that while dudes show other dudes their dongs, and it’s certainly quite a lot,” Dr. Susan McGee told reporters this morning at a local press conference announcing the results of the ten year study, “the truth is that women, and we’re talking just about every single of them, are shown a penis they had no intention to see in their lives…ever. Our study took a decade to complete, but mostly that’s because every single woman we talked to told as a detailed, in-depth study about some guy whipping it out in front of her at a time when experiencing a penis was not on her agenda.”
Dr. McGee said that the relative size and/or girth of the penis in question doesn’t seem to make a difference in terms of whether or not it will be shown, without prior consent, to an unsuspecting woman.
“Women get bombarded with dicks their whole lives, really,” McGee explained, “and those dicks run the gamut. Big ones, little ones, ones with stripes, ones that go to the left, ones that look like Sean Connery in a turtleneck. You name it. And no matter how weird or disgusting their penis is, a lot of men will just get that thing out and be all, like, ‘Hey, look at this thing! Isn’t it the most amazing one of these things you’ve EVER seen?’ But the thing is…no. It’s, like, almost NEVER the most amazing one we’ve seen.”
“Yet, still, like clockwork, they get their dinkuses out, wave them around like we’re supposed to care, and then go about their business as if what we were just literally exposed to wasn’t a fleshy slug of horrificness,” McGee said. “Our study didn’t really get into why some dudes do this. It didn’t even really get into what happens once we’re shown the wangs. But we did confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that a person’s chances of seeing an unbidden tallywhacker increase dramatically if they are a woman between the ages of alive and dead.”
One thing McGee says her study shows is that even though digital technology has made the sending of so-called “dick pics” possible, the simple truth is that smartphones essentially just let men do what they’ve done “since they first saw their genitals as cavemen, probably.”
“Sure, a phone makes it easier to take a picture of your hang-down and send it to a lady,” McGee said, “but women have been shown unwanted dicks on buses, in movie theaters, and pretty much literally everywhere since men have had penises to show to women uninvited. Blaming it all on technology is folly, and ignores some men’s preternatural instincts to show people their dongs who don’t want to see said dongs.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”