WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources within the White House are confirming that this morning, at approximately 7:45 am a state of national emergency was declared by President Donald Trump, from within the president’s residence.
“No! Oh no! Oh my God no! How could this happen? This is too much. No president can be expected to deal with this kind of thing,” Trump was heard bellowing from bed. “I can’t believe I ran out of Sweet and Sour dippies! IVANKA! IVANKA! WAKE UP!”
Trump reportedly looked over to his right, but only found his wife sleeping next to him.
“Damn. It was just a dream. Ooh! Maybe that means I still have Sweet and Sour dippies,” Trump wondered.
The president looked all around the bed. There was the Big Mac, under the Filet O’Fish box, right next to the Quarter-Pounder with Cheese box. Trump looked everywhere, but couldn’t find a single container of the Sweet and Sour Chicken McNugget sauce he absolutely needs to get through the tough rigors of being president.
“If I don’t get my dippies I’m gonna scream! SOMEONE GET ME MY FUCKING DIPPIES,” Trump shouted.
The president pressed a special button on the bedside table. Within moments, an aide arrived with a stack of fast food napkins and a pen. Trump hastily wrote on the napkins, narrating his writing as he went.
“Dear Americans: As your God King, I hereby invoke my powers and declare a national emergency,” Trump wrote and spoke slowly, meticulously going over every syllable, which he generally mispronounced and misspelled. “UNTIL I GET ALL THE SWEET AND SOUR DIPPIES I WANT, CONSIDER US ALL IN A STATE OF NATURAL EMERGENCY!”
President Trump crumpled up the napkins and threw them at the aide.
“Take those to Stephen Miller’s coffin room right away! Wake him up if you must, tell that Nazi vampire to file that Nashville Emergency right away,” Trump demanded. “In the mean time, I will make myself feel better by eating these fries.”
Trump grabbed a literal bucket of french fries next to the bed.
“Oh damn it! I like to dip my fries in my Sweet and Sour dippies! This will not stand,” Trump yelled at no one in particular. “This dearth of dippies will not stand!”
Reportedly, as he waited for an aide to go to McDonald’s and procure more dipping sauce, Trump declared a few more national emergencies.
“We ran out of toilet paper in my Twitter Throne Room,” Trump yelled from within the bathroom. “NASCAR EMERGENCY! NASCAR EMERGENCY! I NEED TP FOR MY BUNGHOLE!”
When the president came to a door he wanted open, but was not open, he gasped.
“WHAT?! What is this? A president cannot be kept from any room at any time for any reason,” Trump screamed. “NABISCO EMERGENCY! NABISCO EMERGENCY! GET THIS DOOR OPEN IMMEDIATELY! IT’S A NABSICO EMERGENCY!”
By the time this story was published, Trump had declared 54 more national emergencies. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was asked for comment.
“Well, clearly if this president was a Democrat, or even worse a black Democrat, we’d have the impeachment proceedings underway. We’d just take the gavel from Speaker Pelosi and invoke our super-secret Republican Powers,” McConnell said. “Because clearly someone abusing their emergency powers is a clear violation of the Constitution. But when it’s a Republican, I just can’t stop fucking a lump coal fast enough to care, know what I mean? Of course you do. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to fucking this piece of coal, thanks!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”