Evangelical Libertarian: “Jesus Died on the Cross to End Progressive Taxation”

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Bill Millen makes no bones about it. He loves “God, guns, America, Jesus, and President Trump’s trace rectal elements.”

“If the president cuts one, I will volunteer to bury my Godly nose in his ungodly a-hole, because I know two things,” Millen recently told his telecongregants. “One — God sent his only begotten son, Jesus, to this Earth to wash away our sins and teach us how to spot and remove a libtard. Second of off, and this one is big, he sent us Donald Trump to bring this country back closer to His vision for it. Here’s a hint: watch The Handmaid’s Tale. We want that to be a documentary, instead of a tease like it is now.”

Millen says that lately he’s been “seeing and hearing about far too many so-called liberal Christians” and their attempts to push for more progressive agendas, using the teachings of Christ to validate that push.

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“Excuse me? Love your neighbors? What kind of cucky crap is that? Sure Jesus said, but he didn’t mean it the way these liberal so-called Christians mean it,” Millen insisted. “He meant to, like, love them, but first make sure they were born here and not mooching off you like some kind of midwest farmer, fam!”

What’s really disturbing to Rev. Millen, however, is when he sees people trying to use Jesus as an excuse to tax the wealthy.

“For some reason, every soyboy beta Christian comes at me with the, ‘Pay to Caesar what is due Caesar’ thing,” Millen said, “and I’m sorry, but that’s crap. Pure crap. Sure, Jesus said you can’t take it all with you. Sure, he said faith without works doesn’t cut it. And sure, he said it’s easier to shove a camel through a needle’s eye than it is for a rich man to get into heaven. So what? None of that matters.”

Rev. Millen told his flock that a former president helped modern day Christians “throw off” interpretations of the Bible that “don’t support the good, clean, almighty and holy free market.”

“Jesus died to save us from our sins, sure. But we all remember what St. Ronald Ignatius Reagan’s administration was able to find in the back of the Bible,” Millen said, “near the appendix, don’t we? They proved that Jesus died on the cross to end progressive taxation.”

Millen challenged “stupid moron libtard cuck wannabe Christians” to defend taxation in a biblical sense.

“Yes, Jesus wanted us to take care of the poor and sick, but did he want us to make everyone slaves to the government,” Millen asked rhetorically, “which is literally what happens when you help someone keep their lights on, or put food in their hungry kid’s stomachs? Go on, libs, defend slavery. Because that’s what taxation is. I wish it said it in the Bible, but we can definitely pretend it does, like we do with literally everything else our political ideology says that contradicts what’s actually in the Bible.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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