Dan Bongino Definitely Doesn’t Secretly Masturbate to Old Videos of Hillary Clinton So Stop Emailing Them to Him

The following is an op-ed written by our Editor in Chief, award winner adjacent writer/comedian James Schlarmann on the subject of whether or not right-wing media personality and multiple-failed congressional candidate Dan Bongino has a sexual fetish for old videos of former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.

To Our Readers,

I come to you today to ask of you a big favor. As many of us are aware, there are rumors floating around that disgraced Secret Service Agent and fired NRA-TV spokesdouche Dan Bongino has a sexual proclivity for old videos of Hillary Clinton. Anyone who knows anything about Bongino — known affectionately to his friends as “Massive Salad Bowl Head” — knows that he talks about Hillary Clinton a lot. In fact, media studies done on Bongino’s tweets show that he tweets more about Hillary than Hillary tweets about Hillary. Given that Hillary is one of Hillary’s favorite people, that should show anyone paying even the smallest amount of attention just how rent-free Hillary lives in Bongino’s mind.

While Bongino is also a New York Times bestselling author in the category of “Sweaty, Pro-Trump Fanfic Erotica,” for his book about how everyone conspired to force Donald Trump to hire goons with deep Russian connections, the simple fact is that the person Bongino talks about the most is Ms. Clinton. If Dan goes more than a day without mentioning Hillary at least sixty times, you should probably take his temperature. What we’re saying is that once you get Trump’s penis out of there, the thing that’s in Dan Bongino’s mouth most is Hillary Clinton’s name.

It’s no wonder that he thinks Hillary, a center-right politician is a “freeloading commie hippie,” she lives rent-free in his mind all day. And that’s a big, spacious mind to not pay rent on! Lots of empty space in that skull of Dan’s. The parts that aren’t full of Trump quotes and Breitbart headlines, of course.

We do not wish to belabor the point, but we’re saying that if you had a device that showed you what was running through Dan Bongino’s mind, at most times of the day you would see Crooked Hillary Clinton’s smiling visage. Whether or not she would be naked is the matter at hand, and we simply must at this time ask you to stop presuming the answer is the resounding, “YES!” that it most likely is, and discontinue sending Dan Bongino old C-SPAN videos of Hillary for him to masturbate with.

Why? Because Dan cries himself to sleep every night with an email box FULL of videos of old Hillary speeches and congressional testimony, that’s why. And Dan swears up and down, big, fat, tears flowing down his face, that he’s not sexually into Hillary. He MOST DEFINITELY DOES NOT masturbate to old Hillary videos. At least that’s what he tells us every single chance he gets, so we have to take him at his word, we’re afraid.

Sure, Dan has a pillow he calls “Benghazi” and he puts a printout of Hillary’s face on it and fucks it, every single night. His commitment to this raw, animal, obsession for Hillary is, well, frankly a little scary. For her and for him. But that does not mean he ABSOLUTELY jerks off to videos of Hillary Clinton, okay, guys? He definitely doesn’t, according to him, and why wouldn’t we believe him?

Yes, he needs a hobby of some kind, clearly, because now that NRA-TV no longer exists, and he’s just an average conservative grifter. And those rage tweets won’t pay for themselves, so he needs to go probably do something more productive and stop thinking so much about Hillary. HOWEVER that does not mean that he is certainly yanking his crank to Hillary videos…just that he could be, or probably is, but we’re not here to judge or presume that anymore, okay?

There are some who have suggested that Dan is starting to foment another such sexual obsession with Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. This is entirely possible. We’re not going to speculate, however. So if you feel the need to send Mr. Bongino emails with links to any video clips, we suppose it’s okay — for now — for the videos to contain Ms. Ocasio-Cortez. But to reiterate — PLEASE DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SEND DAN BONGINO, DISGRACES FORMER SECRET SERVICE AGENT, EMAIL AFTER EMAIL WITH LINKS TO HILLARY CLINTON VIDEOS SO HE CAN MASTURBATE TO THEM!

– The Pastiche Post Editorial Bored

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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